Desperate Attempts To Fill The Void

Desperate Attempts To Fill The Void

I’ve been suffering from B.F.M.S or (bored out of fucking mind syndrome) and toss in a healthy dose of intense loneliness, business is slow – bills pile up. It’s all a great reason to not get off of the sofa. But I do get off of the sofa and not just to make a trip to the refrigerator.

B.F.M.S and my feelings of loneliness, looked at from a more optimistic angle mean there is room for extraordinary things or extraordinary people to come into my life. So one can live with a sense of anticipation, of openness, rather then a sense of doom.

We can live as an invitation to experience or we can shut down like wounded birds.

Why do we have such a hard time taking risks, making connections – reaching out to know one another? We walk the earth like mini fortresses against those things that will hurt us but those same walls imprison us.

And it seems even more profoundly present in the LGBTQ community because we are used to covering up – hiding, feeling ashamed of ourselves, needing to protect and defend ourselves.

The intricate webs of deception, or protection, grow so vast and complicated -we even loose ourselves and certainly prevent others from reaching us. Some of us are in relationships and those too, particularly the ones formed by lesbians – can seem so insular and secluded from a larger society. As if the web has enclosed both, now bound and yet separate from the rest of society.

It’s a strange phenomenon or perhaps one I feel just more keenly aware of in a frozen northern winter when everyone seems hunkered down – and I remain the odd, queer girl out. Dangerously single – desperately lonely.

No I am not desperately lonely…yes I do have an open door to new experiences and challenges, and friendships. Room for new relationships to my life whatever form they might take.

But for now I ponder this thing called loneliness and what it means and what it does not mean. In my twenties I wrote many poems but the lines of this poem, one of my first – always seem to remain with me.

Seated at a table alone,
yet I can feel the breaths upon my face.

Words fly out,
desperate attempts to fill the void.

in strange tones,
the misshapen meaning.

The thundering echo
But to a soul that cries alone
In tears that do not fall.

So curious to think about all of the things I have written and why these words remain with me. Certainly I hope they are not prophetic. Perhaps I need to look at them and let them go – ask myself if they really do serve me.

Or perhaps I just need to go out and buy a new pair of shoes. In the meantime the hounds beckon and ask for a walk.



One Response to “Desperate Attempts To Fill The Void”

  1. Terry Ward Says:

    Janet, your blog is touching, poignant…I’m a fan…I’m also a Friend of Ann’s, Ann Firestone…keep up your good work and don’t let your guard down…Regardz, TWard, Terry

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