Shades of Grey.

Shades of Grey: Out of the box.

Why, why, why, why, why – one of the conversations we have with ourselves, those of us that come out in mid-life we ask why?

Why, why, why, why, why – for fuck’s sake why didn’t I realize this sooner? How deeply was my head buried in the sand, how dark was the closet – how much denial can someone live with and for how long?

He says: I’ve wasted my life on our stupid legend When my one and only love was the wicked witch. She said: What is history? And he said: History is an angel being blown backwards into the future.
-Laurie Anderson

But I’ve always lived in shades of gray, and have always been someone more comfortable with questions than answers. So answering “why” does not come easily – why not sooner?

There is a therapist whose writing I enjoy at the Bilerico Project blog, her name is Michele O ‘Mara – she was writing about something completely different then I am working through in this post tonight. But she mentioned that we can’t believe something to be true until there are receptors in our brain to receive the information.

My receptors weren’t on – I was aware of lesbians, I was after all an athlete in high school headed for college sports. Did I simply not meet the right woman? Hard to say, easy to speculate – to go back and fix things, to repair the things in our past that were broken or never realized.

I realized I had infatuations with my friends but really cannot say I had sexual feelings for my friends – in fact my sexuality was not turned on period. Perhaps being molested had something to do with that, my mother was also sexually molested and never conveyed a healthy attitude towards sex or sexuality. Who knows.

I know in my early 20’s I met R (he – yes a he) was not my first but was really the only significant relationship. We were both so ambiguous. R was a pretty man, a sensitive man and a very feminine man. He loved music, and Katherine Hepburn, and driving gloves, and argyl socks – he wrote poetry and took ballet classes. I was his boyfriend (oops I mean girlfriend) but I did always feel the more masculine half of our partnership.

Thinking back on our relationship and friends – male and female. Well we were all various shades of grey but not one of us was on an extreme end of a heterosexual or homosexual scale. We were all residing in the middle of the scale.

And during the time that I dated R (3 years) I also knew J. (a woman) a fascinating, fun, artistic, dancer who I took an immediate liking to and she to me. We spent a great deal of time together working together, partying together with our friend David, who was gay – and dancing to all hours in gay bars in the area. We’d end up drunk, and high and fall into bed together. J. and I but I was not gay, not a lesbian – of course not.

Why, why, why, why? For fuck’s sake… but I can recall dating R (and he had gay friends – I used to sometimes wonder when we were dating if he was gay). And in reflection I think he had similar thoughts about me but we were great friends and the sex was great – it was passionate, and sensitive, and frequent.

Where was I? Oh I remember spending a weekend with R and being so eager to send him off – at the end of our relationship he was in law school about an hour away. I’d be so eager to wave goodbye so I could rush over to see J. – so we could eventually end the day by falling into bed together. J and I never had sex, it was an emotional closeness that we shared, a comfort.

I always felt “acted upon” having sex with men whereas with woman I feel in communication with. It’s never mattered how sensitive the man was, I felt acted upon. I could have sex with men but I could never really sleep with one in my bed…I wanted them out, I didn’t want to share my bed with men.

With J. I would sleep. I now realize I was more thrilled waking up with her hand on my cheek or a leg touching mine then I was in the most passionate lovemaking R. and I would engage in.

I ended my relationship with R. when it was clear he was moving towards marriage with me. I knew something was wrong and that I should not get married. He married someone else we remained close, close friends for another decade. It was perfect as he could never stay with me long.

J. got married and has two boys she moved across the country and we drifted apart. I think of her often – her humor and her big, big, loving heart. She is just full of kindness and an almost childlike loving nature. So good.

Why, why, why, why?! It’s funny to me now (at least that is one way for me to look at it) funny. What was wrong with you? How in the world did you not realize you were gay? How, how, how?!!!

But I was a shade of grey – ambiguous and androgynous I never felt feminine or masculine. I felt for most of my young life hard to define, as if I was a third sex.

The receptors never turned on not until my late thirties, in my late thirties I realized I am a lesbian, a woman and a lesbian – I have no idea why it took so long, I did meet a woman who I had a strong attraction to and affection for. But while I have had dates, and sex – I have not had the “big girl love” that I jokingly say “takes you to the dark side”. No happy ever after tales. My coming out stories and experiences so far, well frankly they would be a tragic romantic comedy. Or perhaps just tragically comic.

Why, why, why – we can keep ourselves up at night or we can arrive at a place of peace and absolute clarity. Because it doesn’t matter why, what will be doesn’t matter.

What matters is the present moment. What matters is now – you needed every moment you spent, in exactly the way you spent them, to arrive here.

To arrive here. To arrive here which is a very happy, fulfilled and authentic place.

“And the angel wants to go back and fix things. To repair the things that have been broken. But there is a storm blowing from Paradise and the storm keeps blowing the angel backwards into the future. And this storm, this storm is called Progress. Laurie Anderson

I want to marry Laurie Anderson is she gay?



8 Responses to “Shades of Grey.”

  1. Old Crone Says:

    You are such a powerful writer. I had to read this several times, and I suspect, that I will read it several more. I totally get what you are talking about, that Why?? Why?? I’m feeling it myself so strong lately. I especially loved the part of this post where you said you had sex with men, but communicated with women. What a huge realization.


  2. i hear my own voice in some of your words…thank-you….

  3. MLC,
    How is is that, over and over and over again, you write what is in my heart? Finding you here was one of the most delicious bits of serendipity…I am profoundly grateful for it.

    ” I now realize I was more thrilled waking up with her hand on my cheek or a leg touching mine then I was in the most passionate lovemaking R. and I would engage in”

    Yes, yes, yes. I always said I wasn’t a cuddler – with S. always slept on the edge of the bed. From the very first night with e. I slept totally intertwined and it was as if we moved as one in our sleep and it has probably been the most deepest experience of true contentment I have had in my life. I might miss that now more than anything else.

    “What matters is the present moment. What matters is now – you needed every moment you spent, in exactly the way you spent them, to arrive here.”

    This went right into my little book of wisdom to be read over and over again.

    You are marvelous!

  4. Hahn at Home Says:

    This was very real, MLC…very good, and very thought provoking…as I revisit some of my own stories.

  5. Old Crone Says:

    Tag, you’re it.

  6. Ok…I have to get my daughter up for school and don’t have time to read your blog post yet, will save that for tonight. I got here from Old Crone’s blog and I noticed that you are a dog trainer!!! YES!!

    So, um…a question. I have a six month old, mostly housetrained scottish terrier. We let him have run of the house when we are there, but have to put him on a cable in the kitchen when we are not since he will tear the house up if left alone. Will this behavior change with age or is he gonna be cabled up when alone for his entire life (or at least until he is old enough to have arthritis so bad that he can barely stand)?????

    Oh, and nice to meet you. I’m Maria.

  7. I don’t even know what to say to this. I am in awe of you. It felt like you walked into my heart and read from my life.


  8. Margo Moon Says:

    Greetings, MLC. Drowning Pisces led me to your doorstep. I’ll have to go thank her right away!

    Can’t wait for you to discover all the Big Girl Delight in this Big Girl Love.

    Lean into that breeze, Big Girl.

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