I love the photo – sent it to a woman on Valentine’s Day, the effort was wasted. Sometimes our efforts are, still we must make them.
I am sitting in the dark except for the light from the screen on the laptop. The window is cracked open and I can hear the humming outside of peepers? Crickets? Not sure but whomever they are, they are loud not as loud as it will get this summer. In the summer the trees around the house are full of peepers and their chorus is almost deafening. I adore frogs and amphibians, snakes – as a child (and as a childish 45 year old woman) I quite resemble Jeff Corwin. For if I see a reptile or amphibian well I have to get closer and often make an attempt to catch it. Be with it for a moment such lovely creatures. I see less and less of them, I suspect our environment and pollution is getting the best of them. It has been ages since I have seen a snake, or a tortoise, or a leopard frog…such handsome legs for jumping off.
I have jumped off.
Inside the house, sitting in the dark. I hear the sound of my fingers striking the keys of the laptop and I can hear the breathing of the five dogs that surround me…sharing the sofa, or lying on the back of it, or underneath, behind, around. It’s a peaceful companionship – these moments when they are here, close and in need of nothing more than the presence of the others nearby. It’s unfortunate in our relationships with other people we can’t find moments being comfortable with silence. I think a great relationship is one that inspires and one too filled with comfortable silence.
I have been asking the universe for an artistic soul who can sit silently with me, can sit with me in conversation…can understand the mania and sensitivity I possess, the needs for action and stillness. Intensity and isolation. She is somewhere send her over.
My father was a quiet man, quite comfortable with stillness and silence. My mother his opposite. She always had to fill the air with conversation, still does — much of it not particularly interesting. One cannot read, or draw, or sit around her and simply be. She is always talking – what are you doing, why, what are you reading, why. She didn’t really notice her children, her authentic children as they wish to be, she just chattered over whatever mattered to me, to my brother.
Chattering over what matters to me, chattering over who I am …chattering about what mattered to her, or chattering about the person she preferred or pretends me to be. It has created an immature girl, now a woman, who is just now growing up, creating adult like boundaries in her relationships.
I am fond of saying “if it’s not one thing – it’s your mother”. No I have not engraved it on a plaque yet or attempted to market it to Walmart.
I loath Walmart, and Petsmart, and, and, and …the big boxing of America. I miss local, the mom and pop store – the independent retailer. I try to support them…I will order something from Amazon (it makes me feel very guilty). I do drive past Petsmart for the local animal and feed store. The store I spent 15 years pouring my heart and soul into is going out of business. I drove by, saw the signs it was like a punch in the gut. The end of part of my life…first N’s death, now the store closing. The sadness almost took me off the road, instead I simply drove along and cried. I still think about her every single day, dream she is still alive – we never overcome death, never stop mourning we just move to a new place of accepting. We move towards grace…grace is all we can ask for.
Taught a class this morning, then I did a trunk show for my other business all afternoon, working seven days a week now. I work everyday – have not had a vacation for over three years…I work a lot. It doesn’t feel like I work a lot – I am not tired. I don’t come home at the end of the day dead tired, exhausted emotionally and physically. Fall in front of the idiot box sink into oblivion, get up and do it all over again.
In fact I don’t watch tv at all – my new pick up line can be “hey want to come over to my house and watch channel six”?! No cable tv you see – no tv. I thought I might miss it and I miss absolutely nothing about it. I am really happy not to send the peckerheads i.e. Comcast money every month.
I threw away my cell phone…damn it was a liberating moment.
Well I might miss L.A. Ink — cause I do have a fascination (crush? hmm dummo) on Kat. Ok maybe a crush I seem to remember a dream with her in it…*ha yeah right go read that kind of stuff elsewhere ok?!**
I do consider going to the studio/gallery to work each Wednesday a vacation, it is the highlight of my week. Has only taken me 45 years to get a piece of art in a gallery but then I only started trying to get a piece in a gallery a few weeks ago. If something sells I can declare myself an artist (oh I sort of do but it will feel more real/official as soon as I sell my first piece). But now all I want to do is make art, learn more about ceramics, take more photos — go back to school or self school? Probably the later…I admire the self taught.
I admire the self taught, self employed, self defined.
Read a quote today “define yourself before someone else does” it feels like I have been sensitive to that my entire life “definitions” not wanting to be defined, constrained and labeled.
One of my closest friends called me an enigma – I considered it a compliment. I did joke that she called me an “enema” …I’m an enema. That too makes me laugh, a purging of the soul – cut to the chase, let’s cut through all the crap shall we? What a hideous waste of time most conversation is. Another friend says “well we never have to guess what you are thinking”. I’m not rude but I hate bullshit and small talk- life is too short for that kind of shit. Just be quiet.
A man I know categorizes most people as 1. stupid 2. boring 3. ugly — I think he’s a little harsh.
A ridiculously stupid woman came to our show today – not bright and yet full of herself, she spoke in the voice of a child…I was only able to survive by blocking her out completely. When she entered the house and spoke, I could not even see her yet but I could feel myself tightening up just with the tone of her voice. Eckhardt Tolle would not be proud of me “judging” “judging” “judging” Eww I thought someone else deal with her. I can’t. Someone did…thank goodness. I had a shallow moment but I was far less disturbed then I might have been dealing with her.
The dogs have woken up they are all outside with a chorus of barking that I am sure delights the neighbors…I best call in the beasts.
I have a dog door – they move at random so do my dishes and spatulas. Someone pulls them out of the sink for the little bits of food that might be on them. Each spring when the snow melts my yard is a littered discovery of “oh there that is” – depending on where each thing is in the yard I know which dog grabbed the goods.
Bleeding, I have aligned myself with the moon…bleeding, still. Right on time I can practically set my watch. Well it means there is still time to have Melissa Ferrick’s children but she’ll have to hurry.
Oh hell I am not as old as Ellen.
Ah the dogs have stopped barking all on their own and I can see who’s barking in the land of blogs.
There’s a long ramble eh? Did you feel like you were reading “The Waves”?! for your sake I certainly hope not.