Archive for August 11, 2008

These boots are made for walking…

Posted in My Personal Views On Queerness, Personal ramblings on August 11, 2008 by boychick1

So we’re in the Aut Bar in Ann Arbor and my new friends are quite intrigued with my history – of course they are, they’re lesbians. And lesbians don’t have boundaries. “So Janet did the sex blow your mind” – T. asks. “What”? “Did the sex blow your mind, you’ve been with men longer then we have, so did sex with women blow your mind”?

(and nah you won’t be getting my whole response, neither did they).

But yes and no…I came out in mid-life (oh yeah, oh yeah Mid-life Clarity) and coming out, and dating has been a series of mis-adventures. If my cruel and humorous streak ran deeper I’d blog about them. Well it does run deep but I am not going to blog about them.

Not all of them anyway.

But it’s been exciting at times, humorous, infuriating and frustrating. No violins to strike up, no poetic tributes to love as gentle as an ocean breeze that swept me away to the sapphic island of happily ever after…

Nope, nope, nope nothing like that. In fact the first woman I kissed remains one of the worst kissers I have ever locked lips with. Locked lips about sums it up, her’s were locked – tight. I leaned in and kissed her. Hmmm. I tried again. Hmmm – ok I’d have more fun kissing the Queen. It was that hopeless of an experience. I called it off that day, it was that unremarkable. YES we had to discuss it for weeks (lesbians).

No dating woman has been on many levels just like dating men – it’s hard to find someone you connect with on every level physical, emotional, intellectual. It’s really not that different – men vs. women – except with women you talk about why it isn’t working way more.

Still I must really be gay – as all I’d like to do is go out and have more, and more really bad experiences with women. Sigh. How cynical of me.

And despite all of my strong, courageous and inspiring words and thoughts (some of which appear on this blog and you claim to visit me to read them) well hell – lately I am frustrated and lonely.

Frustrated…lonely. Still cute as a bug’s ear, full or rapier wit and smiling but alas frustrated and lonely. The not dating hiatus is getting really, really old.

I’m ready to write the poem of waves crashing on the beach, ready to strike up the violins – have my heart skip at least a few beats.

Feelings and unpleasant feelings – ones that in the past would have left me picking up a cigarette, or having a drink, or consuming too much ice cream. Now? Well now I dial up or e-mail one of those bad experiences to ask “hey want to do that all over again – I’m sure it would be better this time or at least better than nothing”?

Of course it is stupid but when humans have feelings instead of sitting with them all the way through to the other side we have to do something to make them go away.

We smoke something, or reach for something to drink, or pop a pill, or chase the wrong girl or we just buy too many shoes on

And that is where I fell victim again, I am really ashamed of myself – when will I ever learn? I beat myself up, I repeat the same mistakes, there must be a 12 step program somewhere to help me, some fellowship?

But you know – sometimes you just really need the right shoes to chase after the wrong girl.

Frye Harness boots – next time she groans and asks over and over again “are you a bad girl”? I’ll just say, “what do you think, just look at the boots”.