How a queer woman quits smoking…

A lot of lesbians & queer women smoke. We do – it’s bad for us. I once told a date it was “suicide for cowards” I don’t think she was amused. But it is — ask me, I know, I smoked for over 20 years.

I started smoking, drinking and taking drugs when I was barely 13 years old – about the time you start to have sexual feelings, and confusion and feel, I don’t know, different. But one is not sure how different – at least I wasn’t sure how I was different, being numb helped. I managed to get good grades, to play sports but I did drugs, drank…often.

And I tried to quit many, many times I tried to quit smoking and I failed over, and over, and over again. Someone told me “when you care enough about yourself you will quit” and I let that advice slide …”ah what do you mean? I care about myself, too much probably”.

But I didn’t. I didn’t care about myself…puff, puff, suicide for cowards, ones with a wee bit of optimism “I sort of want to hang around in case it gets better”.

I haven’t had a single puff of a cigarette (or anything) in oh at least four years and this is my queer woman’s secret to quitting smoking. (I did use the patch, I did exercise) but I’d done those before. This bit of advice, fucking frankly is, the thing that made the last time successful.

I smoked Marlboros — I smoked a lot of brands but in the end Marlboro lights. I am an artist…I have a vivid imagination. So….

(a drum roll please)

I imagined the Marlboro man — a strapping dude and really covered with copious amounts of body hair man. Wearing nothing but a pair of leather chaps – he was sporting a great big nasty erection. He’d say to me “go ahead baby, you know you want it, you know you do…suck this”.

Ewww right? Yeah well this queer girl would think “ewwww no I don’t”.

But sometimes the lure of nicotine is intense I’d almost start to think “well maybe I do want to suck…”

And I’d up the fantasy (or the night mare). “On your knees bitch, he’d grab my hair – you can’t control yourself you know you want this…go ahead you dumb bitch …suck it”.

That usually did the trick.

But the lure of nicotine is strong and I’d think well maybe just one…

So then my crazy nicotine starved mind would then conjure up – Phillip Morris. Phillip Morris was standing right next to the Marlboro man he was wearing a three piece grey pinstripe suit…his fly was open and there was his wee little erection. “Yes honey you know you want it, can’t live without it – you want it, it’s right here when you finish with him you can suck mine too”.

And that girls is when I would say “no I don’t want that” — and the moment would pass without me lighting up.

Thank goodness, I thank goodness that …

I never smoked Virginia Slims.

Or Eve. Oh god Eve now that brings to mind…

xo-
janet

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7 Responses to “How a queer woman quits smoking…”

  1. TaraDharma Says:

    well gosh, that’s one way to do it!!!

    i am an on and off smoker — the times I’ve quit the longest were the times I got good and angry with the tobacco industry — my politics pushed me to take care of my health. Come to think of it, that’s why I was a vegetarian too, for a long while: the beef industry is ruining our health and the environment with their giant cattle farms.

    But now, chickens in California will get larger cages, so…..

  2. I started reading this post with the thought that it might contain some useful advice I could pass along to my ‘born again’ secretary who desperately wants to quit smoking. But by the time I finished it I thought, maybe not : )

    Congratulations on your 4 clean years. Now if you could just kick that green goddess smoothie habit . . .

  3. As a marketing person .. I love it! .. lesbians would give up smoking the instant they saw this on TV ..

  4. My dear dad smoked at least 2 packs a day of unfiltered Pall Mall ciggies. Hearing him cough and hack his way through every morning was enough for me to never even wish to smoke. He’s been gone now for about 11 years, and he was only 55 when he died. That’s way too young!

    Sheryl

  5. ha…planner.

    I don’t see why it’s inappropriate but why don’t you just tell your secretary.

    “Jesus doesn’t suck”

    See if that works.

    ever sickly yours-
    janet

  6. I smoked for ten years. I started at 14 an quit when I was 24.

    I am always glad that I quit but to this day (and I am 50) I still have dreams where I am smoking and I wake up wanting one SO BADLY.

    The craving never really stops.

  7. With the imaginative visuals in the post you single handedly brought smoking cessation to a new level. Yes those negative reinforcements can be powerful. At this moment I am very grateful you didn’t smoke Camels.

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