How a queer woman quits smoking…
A lot of lesbians & queer women smoke. We do – it’s bad for us. I once told a date it was “suicide for cowards” I don’t think she was amused. But it is — ask me, I know, I smoked for over 20 years.
I started smoking, drinking and taking drugs when I was barely 13 years old – about the time you start to have sexual feelings, and confusion and feel, I don’t know, different. But one is not sure how different – at least I wasn’t sure how I was different, being numb helped. I managed to get good grades, to play sports but I did drugs, drank…often.
And I tried to quit many, many times I tried to quit smoking and I failed over, and over, and over again. Someone told me “when you care enough about yourself you will quit” and I let that advice slide …”ah what do you mean? I care about myself, too much probably”.
But I didn’t. I didn’t care about myself…puff, puff, suicide for cowards, ones with a wee bit of optimism “I sort of want to hang around in case it gets better”.
I haven’t had a single puff of a cigarette (or anything) in oh at least four years and this is my queer woman’s secret to quitting smoking. (I did use the patch, I did exercise) but I’d done those before. This bit of advice, fucking frankly is, the thing that made the last time successful.
I smoked Marlboros — I smoked a lot of brands but in the end Marlboro lights. I am an artist…I have a vivid imagination. So….
(a drum roll please)
I imagined the Marlboro man — a strapping dude and really covered with copious amounts of body hair man. Wearing nothing but a pair of leather chaps – he was sporting a great big nasty erection. He’d say to me “go ahead baby, you know you want it, you know you do…suck this”.
Ewww right? Yeah well this queer girl would think “ewwww no I don’t”.
But sometimes the lure of nicotine is intense I’d almost start to think “well maybe I do want to suck…”
And I’d up the fantasy (or the night mare). “On your knees bitch, he’d grab my hair – you can’t control yourself you know you want this…go ahead you dumb bitch …suck it”.
That usually did the trick.
But the lure of nicotine is strong and I’d think well maybe just one…
So then my crazy nicotine starved mind would then conjure up – Phillip Morris. Phillip Morris was standing right next to the Marlboro man he was wearing a three piece grey pinstripe suit…his fly was open and there was his wee little erection. “Yes honey you know you want it, can’t live without it – you want it, it’s right here when you finish with him you can suck mine too”.
And that girls is when I would say “no I don’t want that” — and the moment would pass without me lighting up.
Thank goodness, I thank goodness that …
I never smoked Virginia Slims.
Or Eve. Oh god Eve now that brings to mind…