It’s still cold — and I am doubtful the dogs and I will get very far walking but we are going to give it a shot. They use a lot of salt on the roads here and that plus temperatures below 15 degrees = feet no work anymore. And we waddle home after I have taken off my gloves and blown & rubbed on cold pads.
Did go to the Goldenrod open house — Goldenrod Music hails from Lansing and is a woman owned business…I did my part to support them coming home with music from Rose Cousins, of course more Susan Werner, Kris Delmhorst, Catie Curtis, Rickie Lee Jones and Toshi. Loading them all into the iPod/laptop and tapping my toes.
Finished up “The Story of Edgar Sawtelle” – I won’t spoil it for you if you are reading it/thinking of reading it. I found it a beautifully written book that had a strange and dissatisfying ending. Not just in terms of the outcome — the outcome did not tie the rambling story together for me. It was a book I really enjoyed reading, lovely writing but didn’t ultimately like.
Lansing – why do I live in Lansing? I came up here to go to Michigan State University – eventually I was studying design. I took a term off to start working in a store very similar to Crate & Barrel. Went back to school by the time I graduated I was managing the store (buying, ordering, display direction etc.) so I stayed. I was earning more then I would starting somewhere else as a designer.
And I am still here — that is the amount of thought I put into the process. And my family has always had (and their glorious dysfunction) an apron web tangled up with me, well beyond something as simple to clip as apron strings.
I’m the oldest child and have one brother — I am inclined to think oldest children (esp. females children) have a stronger of responsibility to their parents, siblings.
It’s all a lot of stuff I don’t really wish to get into right now but it may trickle out as I go on blogging. It is stuff I need to sort through.
I live in a suburb of Lansing – walking distance to Michigan State University. Living in a college town/area is enjoyable it keeps one young, there are things to do. It’s basically a pretty small area much smaller then the area I grew up in. I grew up in a suburb of Detroit (a much larger area with more to do). I’m an urban girl grew up in Detroit and in my last career spent a lot of time in Chicago and New York city. Boston, Philadelphia.
It’s the midwest though so it is pretty conservative – it’s cold and cloudy in the winter time people tend to hole up. I’d like to live somewhere else and will – my mother is 84 and in an assisted living facility in the Detroit area, she has cancer which is currently in a holding pattern. As difficult and annoying as that relationship is, I don’t just feel like pulling out of Michigan. When she passes on – I believe I may be packing the car the morning after her funeral.
It is almost that bad — while I can move it’s not an easy process to move one’s business and so on. I don’t have the money to support myself, in savings while I am trying to re-establish myself somewhere else.
So those are all the reasons why I currently remain right where I am. I do tend to be happy where ever I am — believing happiness is something “one is” and not a set of circumstances that happen to us.
It can be exquisitely challenging to be happy in Lansing.
Last night I was pretty low…feeling like I will never meet anyone I want to date here. Stopped and got an order of orange shrimp, ate all of it, got on Facebook stating how tired I was of living in Lansing. It can feel like the same old faces I am not interested in (or vice versa). Or I meet women I think are really attractive and I can’t make any sense out of them – hanging blinds really a metaphor for my inability to see clearly. Oh goodness, a short story or poem.
And I can be slow on the uptake – cause I don’t always think of myself as attractive or probably more accurate I get nervous around beautiful women. I know who doesn’t.
Yesterday I am at the open house and this lovely, lovely woman comes in… she is sitting on the floor with her daughter singing along to the group “Nervous But Excited”. I was watching her, her daughter the little girl was about 3 or maybe 4 years old, curly hair…blue eyes she was the most beautiful little child. So their set ended and I decided I would leave (because you know you are always spotted by someone that you really don’t want to talk to at these things as well).
I met the woman’s eyes and she met mine…we were talking at the same time. It turns out I was telling her what a beautiful little girl she has…she was telling me what a beautiful tattoo I have (and touching it — just love that damn tattoo). And I continued on out, checked out.
Course since then I have slapped myself at least 9999 times! Why didn’t I talk to her longer, why, why, why — you know how damn hard it is to find someone who looks like that here *and you idiot* she was talking to you as well.
But now I am almost done hitting myself – almost. And there were at least two women there that I thought were frankly gorgeous…so it’s not totally hopeless.
It’s not easy though finding someone you connect with on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Women get pretty cautious I think, especially as they get older, more baggage, more heartache. It’s why I gravitate to younger women…it isn’t so much a desire for a chronologically young woman, it’s an optimism and curiosity about life that I am attracted to.
And lastly …women are not exactly hot to go out with someone who came out in mid-life. They are suspicious. I don’t have enough baggage, enough crazy ex’s – there is something I ain’t got.
But yes I know when I find that person that I am destined to spend a few hours, or weeks, years or a lifetime of moments with …I’ll have everything. Well we will have a commitment to be and remain curious about one another. (I will always be curious that is not what I mean – curious about her and vice versa).
Ms. Bedhead, hottie, and wielder of power tools whilst reading poetry…is under all the muscles, the sarcasm, the occasional shyness – a messy, sentimental, ridiculously loyal and hopeful romantic.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and spank myself 100 times for NOT talking to that lovely woman, with that beautiful little girl longer.
There I almost feel better…enjoy your Sunday!
I really recommend listening to Rose Cousins – her album “If You Were For Me” is really lovely.
Here lean in and listen…this song is titled “Good Enough” it’s an appropriate theme for me this morning. She is singing with Edie Carey.