Archive for March, 2009

5. Learning more than we care to.

Posted in personal ramble on March 31, 2009 by boychick1

I was sitting at the desk working on some orders, you came up behind me and hugged me.

“Will you have enough to do”, you asked.
“Yes I think so”, I replied.

Two days later you were dead. We knew you were going to die – you had breast cancer that had metastasized and was now throughout your body. Five years – five years you struggled with surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, even a bone marrow transplant but nothing had stopped the cancer.

“Will you have enough to do”, you asked.

And I mumbled out something, to be honest I was not even sure what I said because I was so angry. So angry at the cancer, so angry that you were dying, so angry that you couldn’t and wouldn’t talk about it. Give us each some peace of mind in a difficult time, some closure.

My “I” was so big I couldn’t get beyond what I was feeling and try to respect the way you wanted to die. But you didn’t want to die, of course not and that was perhaps part of the problem. But we were two people who were the best of friends – working side by side for nearly 15 years. Traveling together we knew one another so well but your death was something we could not talk about …although we’d covered just about every other topic available for discussion.

The next day you were taken against your will to the hospital, they gave you some medications to sedate you but your body was already so weak that it could not process the medication…you slipped into a coma, never woke up again.

“Will you have enough to do”? What stupid lines to leave someone you love with and my response was just as insipid.

Yes I had enough to do, to process, to grow through, hurt to live with. Yes enough to do. I learned more then I cared to learn (on so many levels) through the way that you died.

Daniel Gottlieb shares a story of visiting his dead mother in his book “Learning From The Heart” he writes…

As I left my mother’s side for the last time, I thought about the hundreds of relationships I’ve seen in which people love each other but cannot see each other clearly. They cannot feel the warmth in each other’s hearts; all they can feel is resentment for past injuries, or fear of future ones. Or years of frustration as they have tried unsuccessfully to change each other. It saddens me to see people who love each other yet cannot open themselves and simply hold each other’s hands.

And as we move through life each hurt we experience lies on top of all the others, revives them – brings unhealed parts of ourselves back into the sunlight. And people warned me, warned me, and warned me, and warned me but I didn’t listen. Here I am again without any sense of closure, care or concern.

It all spins around in my head without resolution.

Working through how one goes forward without holding so much anger in my heart.

Late night Cat Stevens

Posted in Music on March 31, 2009 by boychick1

I was just remembering how often I listened to this Cat Stevens album in college and how much I loved this song in particular.

4: I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now.

Posted in personal ramble on March 30, 2009 by boychick1



“Hello. Thank you for calling ABC Dog Training, I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now. If you’d like the April and May class schedule please visit my website at ABC Dog Training.com. Or leave both a day and an evening phone number where I can reach you and I’ll call you back within three business days. **OK maybe not** see I am very depressed someone broke my heart and I can’t seem to concentrate on work. Ok well “broke” is kind of dramatic – it’s got a big fuc@#$!! hole in it. Wait that’s too angry, I am upset though. Bruised, yeah bruised it’s a little bit bruised. And I try to focus on work but I am vacillating between various states of intense loneliness, anger, depression – intermixed with the occasional false bravado and imposed euphoria.

But I promise to call you back just as soon as I get my shi@#! together – you are number 132 in line. I’ll be right there as soon as I get to the 97 e-mails I need to return. I still don’t really feel like talking to anyone or hearing about your problems, I have my own.”

Ah self employment – it’s wonderful. I do genuinely love self employment but too it gets trying at times. I have been self employed for nearly a decade now, through not so great economic times to downright depressed economic times. All in a city whose economy has really never been strong even in the best of times. Hard – there are days when it is hard. I’ve not taken a vacation for example in over three years (not gotten out of town), health benefits are sketchy, not great. Mental health care, therapy, drugs?! I’m sorry of course not. No one pays me for a sick day – a “mental health day” what is that?! Oh I can take one and do but if you go down for weeks at a time physically or mentally…well the money just doesn’t come in. And who knows what the cost is when you don’t call someone back for weeks, even after they have called you several times.

Sigh. Ok I am not perfect. I am human. I am single, and self employed and while I have friends and family — often there is no one really to lean on. Self reliant.

End of pity party. I do have over 100 e-mails to return and probably 40 or more phone calls. And what kind of story will I make up when I return them – cause I will have to make up some kind of story.

No one wants to hear “a girl dented my heart and bruised my psyche …she turned my world upside down and now I’m….” (oh dear god I digress again).

Stop.

But I have been thinking about that.

And think about it – we are all so wrapped up in our own lives, myself included. But the next time you cut someone off in traffic and flip them the bird, the next time you are irate because they screwed up your latte order at Starbucks, the next time your fast food takes three minutes to arrive instead of two.

Maybe somebody had their heart broken, or their sister just died — or they just got the news that they have cancer. Maybe we should extend our kindness and compassion first and realize we are all doing our best…and sometimes people are just barely getting by and our patience and a smile are all they ask for.

Day 3: Change Everything …or well nearly.

Posted in Personal ramblings on March 29, 2009 by boychick1

Change everything. Make it roof top garden, ginger palm, and sunny daffodil. A hall needs a little Ralph Lauren regent metallic …golden candlesticks perhaps? Certainly on the ceiling for a warm glow from the hallway. Have fun. Change everything.

Change everything. That is what this relationship did for me – it changed everything. I’ve always lived in a more bohemian manner – books everywhere, projects everywhere (usually not completed) …I mean the shower fixture in the bathroom is currently held up with duct tape. Well it broke, I haven’t replaced it, it works – I usually shower at the gym anyway. I live in a frat house for dogs – it’s not pretty, there is a lot of stuff that needs doing, fixing or reviving. Somehow over the years living in my house, I have trained myself (a highly aesthetic person) to not see it.

Change everything. So you start to date, you start to get to know someone and you are surprised that this is, for the first time, someone you really like. Everything changes – because suddenly you are looking at yourself, your life, your appearance, your home. Everything about you, you are seeing through the eyes of someone else.

That is not to say that you are changing to become more acceptable, or desirable, or whatever – just that everything changes including how you see yourself. Awareness increases.

We do learn a lot about who we are through our relationships to other people…it rattles the cage, it disturbs the dust, it shakes loose the cobwebs covering our little lives. In my case literally.

And all of this is good. And sometimes regardless of how one feels – the relationship doesn’t work.

But…
you can still continue to finish your project of painting the whole house. So I have finished the living room – there is trim work and touch up to do. It feels a bit like I am living in Panera Bread…or a Starbucks. A darker palette and I have painted the walls different colors – I’ll toss up some photos later.

What are you going to do to bring some change to your life this spring?

Day two…

Posted in personal ramble on March 28, 2009 by boychick1


Patti Digh wrote a book called 37 Days – which is a treasure and marvelous little read. I highly recommend it she also blogs here. Great stuff and a warm, intelligent person. I feel like I have gotten to know her through her books, blog and yes, ah of course Facebook.

And now we twitter and doesn’t everyone?!

But she poses a challenge right now — think of something to do and commit to doing it for the next 37 days. See how it might change your life. You can read about it here.

So I have chosen to write — I have chosen to follow the discipline of writing for 37 days, this is day two. I started already you see but you didn’t know that until just now.

I almost stopped writing, wasn’t going to do anymore writing here. But then so many of you spoke up and encouraged me to keep writing both privately and publicly. I was overwhelmed.

I lost myself for a bit – I was going to stop writing, or at least stop writing about such personal things. I’ve changed my mind, I was responding to someone else’s request and not my desires. But she can’t have me. You can’t have me.

You. Can’t. Have. Me.

You can’t have me, or ask me to be quiet, or tell me to shut up, or tell me to keep secrets, or go back inside, to hide, to be discreet. I loathe the very word discreet – icky. And what happened wasn’t just between us and besides I am not sharing what happened between us. I am sharing what happens between people (who might be us, then again might not).

You can’t have me – anymore than I can have you for more than that momentary illusion that we are connected in some way because if you were really connected to me you couldn’t ask me to be quiet. If you really cared about who I was you would encourage me to live out loud and share everything that I am. It’s the cheer I’d do for you because I believe in everything that you are. Even when it hurts this much, I believe in you and wear you on my soul.

I. Will. Never. Be. Quiet. Again.

No I write, I write,draw, paint, sculpt, take photographs and I live out loud. And I will write about my life, and my friends,my family, and my loves, and about you, about me, about us.

I will write about us. I will write about us. Because I am us. We. All of us.

I will write about all of us – how I see things at one moment in time.

Living, loving, breathing, struggling, succeeding and failing. I will write about us.

And when someone can’t talk to me, when I am left estranged, or confused, sad, frustrated then of course I will need to write and to struggle, and to work myself through — all the way through to the other side.

And I am going to write, and write, and write to the questions, to the confusion…until a moment of clarity arrives and things go blurry all over again.

I write – I write to build a bridge that crosses the distance between us, I write to reach out a hand to you. I am always reaching out a hand to you.

Tina’s Cowboy Hat Challenge

Posted in My Photos on March 27, 2009 by boychick1

OK – it’s Tina’s cowboy hat challenge. Only I don’t have a hat …apparently because I don’t have a head – well I certainly have lost my head before for a pretty woman. But I do have some kick ass cowboy boots!

Mad, Bad, Sad.

Posted in personal ramble on March 27, 2009 by boychick1

No I’m not reading it – I just really liked the title and image. I’ve no idea why?!

Actually in the morning I wake up pretty empowered – I’m rested, the sun is shining, the flowers are poking up their heads and so am I. Filling up with coffee, writing, listening to this. Listening to Pink’s “Funhouse” album over and over again.

By the end of the day life, events, have worn me down when I finally crawl into bed I am mad, bad, sad. I have to sit on my hands and my tongue so I don’t start saying and typing vengeful things.

So it’s Friday – back to operation “find a girlfriend” and while it should be fun, and often is, well hell so much of it isn’t. 19 year olds, 30 year olds – yesterday a 52 year old divorced woman who considers herself “straight”…”well I did get with a woman once” and “will you take me to the Chrome Cat”. “Well um let me think…NO”. The internet is a weird place and yet I maintain a presence on it. It’s hard to meet people — I really don’t like living in Lansing. At all.

This is hard though – no one has ever dumped me. YES I probably deserve it, at least once in my lifetime. You. Got. Dumped. Grrrr. You should beware of the girl that talks about wanting to “bring people down”. Ok down I went.

“Susie played with hearts, like everyone was having fun” – it’s a piece of art I plan to make soon. Therapeutic. Or a children’s book for little lesbian girls. Educational.

BUT in the interim I have dozens of phone calls to return – surprised I have any clients left. I’ve been in too much of a funk to eat, to return phone calls or focus on anything. For weeks now. So time to get back to business.

A light day today, headed to the gym, and shopping. Nothing brings cheer like the perfect t-shirt and a new pair of vans. Behaving once again like the 46 year old 5 year old – perhaps I should date 19 year olds.

So tonight’s plans. I am going to Nervous But Excited’s CD Release Party in Lansing – with a group of friends…in my new t-shirt. Last time I saw them I was at Goldenrod’s Open House around the holidays. There was this woman there who was really the most lovely woman I have ever seen in Lansing. She was sitting on the floor, had hair quite a bit like Natalia Zukerman’s…blond, curly, blue eyes. She was sitting cross legged on the floor up front with a lovely little girl, who looked just like her sitting next to her. Little girl was about 3 or 4. Oh goodness.

So I am listening to N.B.E. but I am looking at her, and looking at her, and looking at her. Finally the set is over and I moved to where she was sitting.

Our eyes meet…

and we both start blurting out conversation. She is having hers, I am having mine – our conversations are colliding but we are both complimenting one another.

And I had ZERO swagger because I was so completely and utterly disarmed by how beautiful and warm spirited she was. Stunning. So I stammered on for a little bit and then (like a stupid, stupid, moron) left. And one just should never walk away from a queer women that looks like that in Lansing – cause I swear some lonely, lonely nights there are only like 5 of them. And I have now gone out with two of them so at best there are like 3 women left to date in Lansing, maybe in all of Michigan. I am cynical like that, someone has given me the disease. Cynical bitch. Too often.

So anyway – a long ramble later — there is a part of my brain that is really, really hoping she shows up tonight and the universe creates a situation where our paths cross again.

Collective forces of blog land — a little wish from you that our paths cross cause I am really mostly a cute and charming person — a dear soul. And I just adore, adore women.

Besides you do want to read about her hair in the moonlight, laughter that fills the room…a touch so gentle it kills you.

Like that – I want to feel like that again. Hopeful romantic all over again. I. Just. Love. Women.