Mad, Bad, Sad.

No I’m not reading it – I just really liked the title and image. I’ve no idea why?!

Actually in the morning I wake up pretty empowered – I’m rested, the sun is shining, the flowers are poking up their heads and so am I. Filling up with coffee, writing, listening to this. Listening to Pink’s “Funhouse” album over and over again.

By the end of the day life, events, have worn me down when I finally crawl into bed I am mad, bad, sad. I have to sit on my hands and my tongue so I don’t start saying and typing vengeful things.

So it’s Friday – back to operation “find a girlfriend” and while it should be fun, and often is, well hell so much of it isn’t. 19 year olds, 30 year olds – yesterday a 52 year old divorced woman who considers herself “straight”…”well I did get with a woman once” and “will you take me to the Chrome Cat”. “Well um let me think…NO”. The internet is a weird place and yet I maintain a presence on it. It’s hard to meet people — I really don’t like living in Lansing. At all.

This is hard though – no one has ever dumped me. YES I probably deserve it, at least once in my lifetime. You. Got. Dumped. Grrrr. You should beware of the girl that talks about wanting to “bring people down”. Ok down I went.

“Susie played with hearts, like everyone was having fun” – it’s a piece of art I plan to make soon. Therapeutic. Or a children’s book for little lesbian girls. Educational.

BUT in the interim I have dozens of phone calls to return – surprised I have any clients left. I’ve been in too much of a funk to eat, to return phone calls or focus on anything. For weeks now. So time to get back to business.

A light day today, headed to the gym, and shopping. Nothing brings cheer like the perfect t-shirt and a new pair of vans. Behaving once again like the 46 year old 5 year old – perhaps I should date 19 year olds.

So tonight’s plans. I am going to Nervous But Excited’s CD Release Party in Lansing – with a group of friends…in my new t-shirt. Last time I saw them I was at Goldenrod’s Open House around the holidays. There was this woman there who was really the most lovely woman I have ever seen in Lansing. She was sitting on the floor, had hair quite a bit like Natalia Zukerman’s…blond, curly, blue eyes. She was sitting cross legged on the floor up front with a lovely little girl, who looked just like her sitting next to her. Little girl was about 3 or 4. Oh goodness.

So I am listening to N.B.E. but I am looking at her, and looking at her, and looking at her. Finally the set is over and I moved to where she was sitting.

Our eyes meet…

and we both start blurting out conversation. She is having hers, I am having mine – our conversations are colliding but we are both complimenting one another.

And I had ZERO swagger because I was so completely and utterly disarmed by how beautiful and warm spirited she was. Stunning. So I stammered on for a little bit and then (like a stupid, stupid, moron) left. And one just should never walk away from a queer women that looks like that in Lansing – cause I swear some lonely, lonely nights there are only like 5 of them. And I have now gone out with two of them so at best there are like 3 women left to date in Lansing, maybe in all of Michigan. I am cynical like that, someone has given me the disease. Cynical bitch. Too often.

So anyway – a long ramble later — there is a part of my brain that is really, really hoping she shows up tonight and the universe creates a situation where our paths cross again.

Collective forces of blog land — a little wish from you that our paths cross cause I am really mostly a cute and charming person — a dear soul. And I just adore, adore women.

Besides you do want to read about her hair in the moonlight, laughter that fills the room…a touch so gentle it kills you.

Like that – I want to feel like that again. Hopeful romantic all over again. I. Just. Love. Women.

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9 Responses to “Mad, Bad, Sad.”

  1. Grumpy Granny Says:

    The moon’s just turned from dark to new…and so should you! Here’s to meeting that mystery woman and NOT leaving this time without her phone number!!

    Good luck!

    GG

  2. Well, love isn’t only waiting for you in Lansing – it’s all over the world, if you have the patience and time, either via internet or whatever. Don’t limit yourself, however, also, don’t limit yourself to an online romance that will probably go nowhere if they are not willing to move either here or there.

    There are women who live in NYC who feel they can’t find the right woman. Amazing, right?

    As far as the beginning of your post, my attitude is the other way around. I am more introspected and full of thoughts in the morning, while at night I am very lighthearted and casual. Funny.

  3. 8thdayplanner Says:

    Every last shred of positive energy I have being sent into the universe for you tonight.

    Ideally I’d like to read about “her hair in the moonlight, laughter that fills the room…a touch so gentle it kills you” from somebody writing about you.

  4. TaraDharma Says:

    I will wish for your meeting up with this sweet soul again. Perhaps you will swagger this time, yes?

    Me, I try to keep to a routine, a loose schedule, in order to keep the blues away. Sometimes it works, sometimes, no. You’re on the right track, just keepin’ it real with the little things (vans!).

    I love that colvin song, btw…that whole cd is great. crank it UP!

  5. aah dang Janet. Lansing too? I thought St. Louis was lesbian free. sheesh. and every woman here is on a site, and all know each other..so yeah…lol just a lil weird.

  6. i remember that post and your writing how bad you’d felt for running away–but this is spring, the season of hope and renewal, so we’re sending more good wishes your way that your paths will cross again. and who knows? maybe she’s hoping the same thing too! 🙂

  7. Arial Ray Says:

    keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  8. as trisha yearwood always sings…
    “what’s meant to be will always find a way.”

    C

  9. Eerrgh she wasn’t there – and I did look all over. Another woman I adore was but she is just way.too.young. Still have a wee crush on her though.

    The music was great, it was nice to get out.

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