Archive for April, 2009

…in the proverbial saddle again.

Posted in dating, Personal ramblings on April 30, 2009 by boychick1

marla_streb_nudeSo I googled images for “back in the sadde” and on page one there was a wee little thumbnail of someone, naked?! – on a bike.  Clicked it and wowsa this is what appeared.  Not exactly what I had in mind or rather exactly what I have on my mind nearly 24 hours a day.

Well since I am a cyclist, of a very amateur sort, it’s appropriate for me to use the photo. After all I don’t ride horses.  And I look just like her, well  minus the long hair, breasts and I’m um 100 years just a little bit older then she is.

Wow.  She’s in great shape what a hot a lovely level of healthy fitness she has achieved.

So I am back in the land of writing, smiling, winking and dating – O.F.A.D has notched up.  I changed my profiles a bit to better reflect who I am and what I am looking for.  Last night half a dozen winks and a couple of e-mails arrived.

This morning I got up and wrote back to all of them — I bit the bullet and paid to be able to e-mail,  as a woman I think is very attractive and not as far away as sunny England smiled at me.  I had been looking at her photos/profile for quite a while now.  She lives an hour away – is tall, blond hair, very white teeth/great smile, nice um she has a very healthy level of fitness and (a drum roll please) she is two years older than I am.

So collective good karma vibes and wishes of the internet — start casting out your charms and wish me success.

Asking the universe for what you want works – the trick I am learning as I get my heart ripped out, spat on and salted, more mature is to be *very specific*.

On a completely unrelated topic — I got a show!  So my art is going to hang at a local theatre for a fundraiser they are having.  Good publicity and the gallery where I currently have my work is teasing me and wants me to do a solo exhibition, invitation only kind of fancy thing.

Ohhh…maybe I’ll have a date, cause sooner or later the so smart, black Ann Klien suit has to come out of the closet again. (yes Greg I’ll post photos).

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O.F.A.D.

Posted in dating, on line dating disasters., Personal ramblings on April 29, 2009 by boychick1

personal-adsSo O.F.A.D or Operation Find A Date has begun again full swing — ok not quite full swing.  More like half hearted and still texting the last fling swing.  But STILL O.F.A.D. begins again.  It should be a fun process and instead it’s not.

Online personals – they are up yet again.  The “delete key” on my computer is getting a lot of use – it’s there but it’s leaning to the right and looking very, very, tired.  STOP rubbing my button (oh sure go there, I’m not).

But seriously do you really think I’d travel to England?  And I don’t mean New England.  England as in the U.K?!  I’m flattered, really I am, but what if you don’t show up when I arrive for coffee?

I’m realizing some things in the midst of this lukewarm start — that I am attracted (most often, always, a great deal of the time) to 1. younger women 2. feminine women 3. women I am pursuing vs. being pursued.  Unless she is a really hot young woman running after me of course.

At first these realizations troubled me.  What is wrong with the 51 year old woman who is attractive, intelligent and well traveled?  She is after all the first person that has contacted you and 1. writes in complete sentences 2. can spell 3. reads  (and she still likes your big ass tattoo)

Well I have realized many things traveling through the world of where am I going next.  I realized that one reason I am having a hard time letting go of the last two relationships (and most especially the last one) is not only did I love her.  I loved all that she represented for me…all the hopes that I didn’t realize I had until they were revealed, only for a moment to me.  She was a beautiful lovely second chance and I wanted a second chance.

While I had not given up on the idea of a relationship – I had given up on marriage (in any sense) and children.  Simply thought those things will never happen for me.  And when you think something is not going to happen for you, you talk yourself out of it, kid yourself into thinking it’s not something you wanted anyway.

But I do.  But I do.  In meeting her, beginning to fall in love with her, in talking about futures and plans and children – – well I was revived, reminded, it was revealed to me that I would like all of those things.  A relationship, partnership and children.  I let myself dream.  I liked where my dreams went.

And then of course the plug was pulled – at least on that relationship.

As I look through my mailbox of messages in the land of on-line personals, I realized I still want Lindsey Lohan a future full of everything she gave me a glimpse of.

It is a dreary landscape at times, the land of O.F.A.D.  and I spend more than a few moments each day thinking that a convent in Greenland might be more fun — but I wonder will they let me look at porn?  What if they don’t have electricity or batteries?

In the meantime — the studio calls right after I give the hounds their morning run.

Protected: Not sure I want to go out with you.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 28, 2009 by boychick1

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Book Meme

Posted in memes on April 28, 2009 by boychick1

Well I love to read and the foundation of my house is sagging under the oppressive weight of all the literature.  So this meme which I saw on Butch Girl Cat & Freedomgirl’s blog is an ideal one for me to respond to.  If you’d like to play, take it and run…I don’t tag.  Please leave a link here in the comments so others can learn about what you are reading, or have read.

1) What author do you own the most books by?   Well I have everything by Mary Oliver, Pam Houston, Dorothy Allison, David Sedaris, Terry Tempest Williams, Galway Kinnell – I am not sure amongst them who is the most prolific.

2) What book do you own the most copies of?  I have purchased the most copies of Eve Ensler’s “The Good Body” – every woman (hell everyone ) should read it.  I have also purchased many copies of Terry Tempest Williams “An Unspoken Hunger”. (I try very hard to seduce women with books and especially with this author).

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?  But I’m not sure I know what you speak of.

4) What fictional character are you secretly in love with? Not sure.  Although I am in love with many fantasy women – none of them were inspired by a book.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life (excluding picture books read to children; i.e., Goodnight Moon does not count)?  “When I Was Five I Killed Myself” Howard Buten.  Books of poetry especially Oliver or Kinnell.  Terry Tempest Williams “An Unspoken Hunger” – a little collection of creative non-fiction essays and a great introduction to her work.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old? I read field manuals.  YES I was that child.  I could identify and draw every fresh water fish in Michigan.  Knew the names of every snake, frog or salamander.  I enjoyed frogs, snails and puppy dog tails.  Although my real passion was reptiles and amphibians.  I had little time or use for bunny rabbits.

7) What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year? The Poisonwood Bible – the woman who loaned it to me is so beautiful though and I have had such a crush on her *forever* I read it.  Why haven’t I done anything about this crush? (well she is probably 25 years old).

8 ) What is the best book you’ve read in the past year? David Sedaris “Engulfed In Flames”.

9) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?  “An Unspoken Hunger” Terry Tempest Williams.  Anything by Mary Oliver.  Pam Houston.  Dorothy Allison “Bastard Out Of Carolina”.  And if you want to go hardcore Allison read her poetry or her essays on sexuality.

10) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for Literature? Toni Morrison

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie? Wally Lamb “She’s Come Undone”

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie? “The Poisonwood Bible”

13) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character. I don’t have dreams – really, very seldom and certainly not in the sense of characters, plot etc.

14) What is the most lowbrow book you’ve read as an adult? “Curious Wine” don’t make me read lesbian fiction again – bleech.  Crap.  It’s the only thing worse then most (I did not say all) lesbian films.

15) What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read? Anything by James Joyce.  I read Joyce and I think “this is so beautifully written” and then I finish the story and think “what in the hell was that about”?!  But it was beautifully written.  I understand when he wrote Ulysses he intentionally made many sections indecipherable as he wanted to keep the literary critics busy analyzing the work for years.  I think he succeeded.

I also had an english course – I enrolled in “Women In Literature” the sadist professor had us read everything by Virginia Wolfe in one term.  We faired better then his graduate students who had to read Joyce.  Her book “The Waves” – well let’s say it was a long semester.  I got a 4.0 in the class and I have no idea what any of her books were really about.

16) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you’ve seen?  None.

17) Do you prefer the French or the Russians? Not sure, probably French.

18) Roth or Updike?I have read Roth, not Updike.

19) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers? Please David Sedaris — I could not make it through Eggers book although at times I enjoyed it.

20) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer? Cod Liver Oil?  A mushroom and tofu shake? – I would read Shakespeare if I had to.

21) Austen or Eliot?Embarrassed to say that I have not read either.  Bad Janet Bad!

22) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?Have not read Austen or Eliot.

23) What is your favorite novel? Oh so difficult.  I love Willa Cather, Dorothy Allison, Joyce Carol Oates,Toni Morrison,  Wally Lamb – you cannot make me choose.

24) Play? Hmmm “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof”

25) Poem? “gladly i have never travelled beyond” e.e. cummings.

26) Essay? “The Open Space of Democracy” Terry Tempest Williams, anything by Eve Ensler especially her book “Insecure At Last”.

27) Short story? Not sure.  I really like short fiction.  Pam Houston, Amy Hempel – suddenly drawing a blank.

28) Work of nonfiction?”Leap” by Terry Tempest Williams

29) Who is your favorite writer? Too hard.  Dorothy Allison, Toni Morrison, Joyce Carol Oates, Terry Tempest Williams, Mary Oliver

30) Who is the most overrated writer alive today? No idea because I have probably not read him or her.

31) What is your desert island book? Mary Oliver Selected Poems.

32) And… what are you reading right now? The Gravediggers Daughter by Joyce Carol Oates

My life in the D.F.Z.

Posted in Personal ramblings on April 27, 2009 by boychick1

image3Like the idea – get the t-shirt.  I think I need this…

Last week I was walking around, it was a lovely spring day – I was wearing my flip flops, a t-shirt and a favorite pair of jeans.  Life stripped down to just a few basic things.  Great music in the iPod and spending the day being paid to walk around.  Eating lunch when I wanted to – no need to wear a watch as my appointments don’t care when I show up just as long as I am basically on time.  Sometime in the morning, sort of mid-day and so on.

I realized walking around — pinch me this life is perfect.  My life is perfect.  I am self employed (my boss is great), I am outside, I am listening to music – I don’t have a lot of things but I have far more things then I really need.  And have ZERO stress in my life.  Happy.  Healthy.  Perfect.

Oh I would like things – more friends, a more interesting social life, a girlfriend but really my life is perfect.  I was in a state of bliss…

Then things happen by the end of the day I had heard things about former g.f.  (people are so helpful) and then on Saturday I had a horrid e-mail from my brother.  Essentially letting me know I was 1. insensitive 2. unreliable 3. not dependable (redundant?!) 4. selfish.  And he wrote me out of his life on many levels and tried to write me out of my mother’s life on others.  An interesting phone call to my mother later in the day – well it confirmed some things – that he tends to say one thing to her and another thing entirely to me.

And basically none of that matters.  None of that matters.  None of that matters.

Of course it hurts – it hurts to have someone criticize you, not communicate in a grown up way, cut you off.  I was all wrapped up in the drama of the events on Saturday morning.  Someone else has cut me off, I am all alone – why can’t people communicate in a kind way or at least even communicate.  I sent my brother a nice, kind e-mail asking for understanding, communication and reconciliation for (and what did I do this time).  No response.  And she won’t talk to me either – as in the she of my last relationship.

Slipping, slipping, slipping into the abyss.   Saturday morning I was slipping into the abyss of tears, self pity, isolation – all of it.  Started to feel sick had a hard time concentrating on my work …spent the whole damn day in a funk.  Went to the concert but my head was not in a good place – my head was in the place of everything I don’t have instead of what I do have.

Then at some point, maybe I am still working towards that point…am writing myself into it now – I thought “fuck it”.  Not “fuck it” in the withdraw from life, grow bitter and grow old but just “fuck it”.  These are not my problems.

I am going to live my life in a D.F.Z.  – or the Drama Free Zone.

Because my life is close to perfection, it is exactly how I want it to be – I am happy, I’m essentially a very happy and centered person.  And you know I am just not going to adopt anyone else’s problems.  When people cannot communicate, be kind, be honest, be authentic – even in their struggles talk and communicate and care for other people through them.

That. is. not. my. problem.  These are not my problems anymore.

My problem – the only problem I have is to live authenticallly, with an open heart, with compassion and care.  I will start there, start with myself and I intend to live in the D.F.Z.

What about you? – what needs releasing in your life, what needs embracing?  What are you going to do about it – starting today.

Girlyman!

Posted in Music on April 26, 2009 by boychick1

Girlyman was FANTASTIC at the Ark last night – played two encores.  Meg Hutchinson an amazing singer/songwriter opened for them (she is also very cute).  Audience full of pretty women.  Fun, fun, fun.  Have an iPod stocked with their music and I am off to the gym, followed by an afternoon of painting.

Enjoy.

Families are hard.

Posted in Uncategorized on April 25, 2009 by boychick1

Families are hard.  Just time for a brief post and more to follow.

Received a letter from my brother that was basically disassociating with me – it was hard to receive and read.  So interesting how one moves to more authentic and honest places and that seems to move others away.  Lots of stress with the economy, my mother’s health, his commitments, mine.

I feel very isolated right now — from everyone.  I know I will be fine but this is an extremely challenging time right now.

And just yesterday I was thinking my life is close to perfect – exactly the way I want it to be.  And today?  – well it’s the same but I do feel a deep sense of hurt.  Why have I spent so much of my life trying to please people that I will never make happy, never.  Why!  WTF?!!

All very cryptic – I must get to a class but I had to get something down.  If I don’t write here, I’ll write to her and that is not what she wants.

Off to teach a class and to a day of yardwork.  Girlyman tonight.

j.