Stitchmarks

Jane Siberry singing one of her very early songs “You Don’t Need” some of the lyrics are…

you don’t need anybody
you don’t need any comfort
you don’t need any lovers
you can get it from yourself
you don’t need anyone to want you
don’t want anyone to need you
and I think I have yourself
almost convinced
I have yourself almost convinced

Someone I dated sent this to me after we broke up – it was certainly a cruel gesture but people can be cruel when they are in a place of hurting and confusion.  And it honestly was also accurate, I was very good at hurting and confusing people.  Unavailable, inaccesible.

Serial.  Single.  Girl.

For most of my adult dating life I have been known as unapproachable, independent, not accessible, not needing anyone, not affectionate – don’t need anyone to love you, don’t want anyone to need you.

Serial.  Single.  Girl.  I’d even accepted these comments as accurate, a part of myself.  “I’m Gonna Break Your Heart”.

So when we met maybe I was a challenge as after all I am 1. serially single, and I certainly thought you were 2. too young for me.

None. Of. That. Really. Matters.

But I fell into what certainly felt like love – and I decided that I would be available, and reliable, generous, affectionate, communicative, available, consistent, honest.  I might even try to be vulnerable.  I would be things that in the past I had not been.  Listening to how a person’s past had hurt them I was committed to not being like that past.

And I was a much better version of myself – oh not perfect – at one point I walked away from it all and back to the person I once was.  Stealing off in the middle of the night.  But I came back, back to a better more loving and generous version of myself.

And. It.  All.  Really.  Felt.  So. Very. Good.

Poetry, music, laughter, touching, texting, talking, holding, music, laughter, poetry, eating, touching, laughing, chat.

And then it seemed just as abruptly it was over.  Everything I had done to other people over and over again – happened to me.

I wear you on my soul, like stitchmarks.

And I’m grateful for it all.  For loving, for still being in love – for feeling a hurt so exquisite I know I am healed.  I know I am healed.

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5 Responses to “Stitchmarks”

  1. keep breaking it wide open, for yourself, and for your future loves. no one is – nor should they be – perfect. some of the things i cherish most in my wife is her ‘faults,’ the things she struggles with. To let someone struggle, to let someone watch you struggle, this is the most intimate of things.

  2. you are perfect at being you. that’s enough. the fact that you have reached a place where you feel gratitude is wonderful. keep on…

  3. Only love can leave such a mark.

    Only love can heal such a scar.

  4. I’m finding each step I get closer. Still don’t have the damned instruction manual though.

    Hang tough, or soft, or whatever you need.

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