O.F.A.D.

personal-adsSo O.F.A.D or Operation Find A Date has begun again full swing — ok not quite full swing.  More like half hearted and still texting the last fling swing.  But STILL O.F.A.D. begins again.  It should be a fun process and instead it’s not.

Online personals – they are up yet again.  The “delete key” on my computer is getting a lot of use – it’s there but it’s leaning to the right and looking very, very, tired.  STOP rubbing my button (oh sure go there, I’m not).

But seriously do you really think I’d travel to England?  And I don’t mean New England.  England as in the U.K?!  I’m flattered, really I am, but what if you don’t show up when I arrive for coffee?

I’m realizing some things in the midst of this lukewarm start — that I am attracted (most often, always, a great deal of the time) to 1. younger women 2. feminine women 3. women I am pursuing vs. being pursued.  Unless she is a really hot young woman running after me of course.

At first these realizations troubled me.  What is wrong with the 51 year old woman who is attractive, intelligent and well traveled?  She is after all the first person that has contacted you and 1. writes in complete sentences 2. can spell 3. reads  (and she still likes your big ass tattoo)

Well I have realized many things traveling through the world of where am I going next.  I realized that one reason I am having a hard time letting go of the last two relationships (and most especially the last one) is not only did I love her.  I loved all that she represented for me…all the hopes that I didn’t realize I had until they were revealed, only for a moment to me.  She was a beautiful lovely second chance and I wanted a second chance.

While I had not given up on the idea of a relationship – I had given up on marriage (in any sense) and children.  Simply thought those things will never happen for me.  And when you think something is not going to happen for you, you talk yourself out of it, kid yourself into thinking it’s not something you wanted anyway.

But I do.  But I do.  In meeting her, beginning to fall in love with her, in talking about futures and plans and children – – well I was revived, reminded, it was revealed to me that I would like all of those things.  A relationship, partnership and children.  I let myself dream.  I liked where my dreams went.

And then of course the plug was pulled – at least on that relationship.

As I look through my mailbox of messages in the land of on-line personals, I realized I still want Lindsey Lohan a future full of everything she gave me a glimpse of.

It is a dreary landscape at times, the land of O.F.A.D.  and I spend more than a few moments each day thinking that a convent in Greenland might be more fun — but I wonder will they let me look at porn?  What if they don’t have electricity or batteries?

In the meantime — the studio calls right after I give the hounds their morning run.

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7 Responses to “O.F.A.D.”

  1. A shrink once told me that when I met someone new and felt an instant connection, I should run like hell because it wasn’t love or destiny but familiarity that I was feeling. After years of dating the same (emotionally unavailable) person over and over in a different body, I gave up on my ‘type’ and tried something new.

    I bet you’d find things about the 51 year old woman that blow your proverbial skirt up in ways you hadn’t even imagined.

    Dee

  2. On the other hand, it’s good to know that these are the things you want/that appeal to you in some way.

    I can’t tell you how much I agree that when you give up on something, essentially, you’re saying to the universe “Ok, that’s not on the table anymore. Send me something else.”

    Look for what you want. You just never know until you try.

    I’m going back to my blog now, to see if I can get the rest of these annoying cliches out of my system! 🙂

  3. I don’t know…I’m not necessarily attracted to women who are younger – or older -I’d rather be with someone who’s close to my own age and stage in life. I don’t think my preference causes me to overlook anyone, because if the chemistry was there, to hell with the criteria. I don’t think it would be much different for you.

  4. A good friend once told me that I should “date” go out on many many dates. If I meet someone and think I might enjoy their company I should take a chance and ask them out for a “date”. No looking for relationships, rather looking for connections to people and not closing doors based on people not fitting a particular mold. It made me wickedly uncomfortable but it also got me to be social. It’s also how I met my partner. Good Luck and hang in there. Try focusing on just being social and take the pressure off yourself.

  5. I’ve tried three times to write an illuminating comment and can’t come up with what I want to say. I do agree with CAB about not closing doors. Martha and I would have never gotten together if we had only seen each other “on paper” and we each had very different dreams when we met but found that living a shared dream was much more satisfying. My advice – Stay open.

  6. Thank you all. i have gone out with women who are all actually very different from one another.

    I have realized that (if the world gave me what I’d most like) it would be a marriage that included children.

    So I don’t think i do want to date someone who clearly …is older then I am (and she will only date women at least five years younger then she is – in case anyone is feeling like I am close minded). I don’t think I want to enter a relationship where someone does not want children period.

    Because I would like to have a family and children.

  7. Wanting/not wanting kids is a hard thing to give up on. I say if it’s what you really want, hold out. And, btw, Lindsey Lohan is definately child-bearing age. I’m just saying……

    d

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