Archive for May, 2009

I Wear You On My Soul

Posted in My Art, My Poetry/prose with tags , on May 29, 2009 by boychick1

I’m teaching myself to paint and to paint with encaustics.  Encaustic painting is essentially painting with wax – the medium is a combination of purified beeswax and damar resin.  I am experimenting with a mixed media of oil paint, pigment sticks, oil pastels and graphite.  This is a work in progress titled “I Wear You On My Soul” – going to begin to combine some of my poetry/prose in the paintings & drawings.  And planning to begin to incorporate photography too.

So here are some of the steps as I’m working.  This is the underpainting done with oil paints, then I have added the text with graphite.

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Beginning to add layers of clear medium and colored wax.  I color my own wax by mixing oil paint into the encaustic medium.

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Continuing to add depth to the surface by carving into it, rubbing pigment sticks into the carved areas, rubbing it off, more pigments …I love the process of addition and subtraction.  That destruction creates something new, different, better – it mimics for me the way we all tumble and stumble through life in a constant state of transformation.

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And this is the prose/poem that is underneath all that stuff going on in the addtional layers on top.

I Wear You On My Soul,   j. smith

I believe in me. In love. Risk. Puppy Kisses. A sky full of stars. Words. Poetry. That not even the rain has such small hands. Music. Music. Music. Saying I love you, often. The arch of neck thrown back. Oh yes. Oh yes. Books – their power to transport you, to transform you. Words. Being authentic and then changing everything you believe in. Fear and going there first. Falling apart, breaking open and not bothering to put oneself back together again. Wide open you are bigger and better than before. Being fragile. Being strong. Second chances. And then third, fourth, fifth. I believe in imperfections. That questions are more important than answers. That happiness is something you are – not a set of things that happen to you. In the laughter of birds. The chirping of children. Flowers. Roses. The scent of roses and their thorny branches heavy with hips in the fall. My lips as they traveled down your back, an audible gasp as I reached a hip. Rollover. Burying your face in the fur of a great dog’s back. Home. Family. Friends. Love. Always love. Ideas. Expression. Living out loud. Laughing. Crying and finding yet one more tear to shed. An endless well. Your eyes an endless well. The sun on my face. The wind in my hair. Flowers. The bold spring flowers that are the first ones to push their faces up to the sky. Life. Walks on the beach. Passion. Impulsiveness. In growing down. Art. Gratitude. Kindness. I believe in you, I wear you on my soul.

Boo California.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2009 by boychick1

Not  the decision I expected in California.
It’s tricky business participating in a society that chooses to exclude you based on your very humanity.  And still we rise…

But for the moment I don’t have anything to say, I am going to sit with the grief, the shock, the sadness and rest.

Poppies.

Posted in On Poetry on May 25, 2009 by boychick1

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“Poppies” by Mary Oliver

The poppies send up their
orange flares; swaying
in the wind, their congregations
are a levitation

of bright dust, of thin
and lacy leaves.
There isn’t a place
in this world that doesn’t

sooner or later drown
in the indigos of darkness,
but now, for a while,
the roughage

shines like a miracle
as it floats about everything
with its yellow hair.
Of course nothing stops the cold,

black, curving blade
from hooking forward-
of course
loss is a great lesson.

But also I say this:  that light
is an invitation
to happiness,
and that happiness,

when it’s done right,
is a kind of holiness,
palpable and redemptive.
Inside the bright fields,

touched by their rough and spongy gold,
I am washed and washed
in the river
of earthly delight-

and what are you going to do-
what can you do
about it-
deep, blue night?

Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend… (I’m dating again…weeeeeeee!)

Say What You Mean

Posted in On Poetry, personal ramble on May 23, 2009 by boychick1

I saw this poem last night on my friend Patti Digh’s Blog – she has written a wonderful book titled “37 Days” and her blog is here.  I love the poem & I went to bed with the sense of peacefulness it filled me with.  So lovely.  To write about a human feeling so simply and yet with such eloquence.

I Confess

I stalked her
in the grocery store: her crown
of snowy braids held in place by a great silver clip,
her erect bearing, radiating tenderness,
watching
the way she placed yogurt and avocados in her  basket,
beaming peace like the North Star.
I wanted to ask, “What aisle did you find
your serenity in, do you know
how to be married for fifty years or how to live alone,
excuse me for interrupting, but you seem to possess
some knowledge that makes the earth turn and burn on its axis—“
But we don’t request such things from strangers
nowadays. So I said, “I love your hair.”

-Alison Luterman

If I said what I mean I would say…

thank you. i love you. forever grateful for every moment and memory. i hold onto the hope that someday we can sit and talk to one another again. but regardless  always.  love. always love.

Is there something you forgot to say? Want to say?  Need to say…maybe you should start with “I love your hair”…

Off to walk six dogs (help me, help me) two are staying for the weekend because I needed more and it’s easy money.  Then I am off for a gathering of queer women that get together for coffee, a much needed trip to the gym.  I am really enjoying this weekend of selfish agenda – and it’s even time to dust off the road bike and play Lance Armstrong.  Enjoy your weeeknd all.

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Posted in Uncategorized on May 22, 2009 by boychick1

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Off To The Studio…

Posted in Uncategorized on May 22, 2009 by boychick1

Raku fired tiles.I want to make art which might get someone to see the absolute beauty in flaws and the tragedy of perfection.  There are raku fired tiles all over the house and I have an art show to get ready for…my first.  Nervous?  Nah – just running to the studio to make more.  I do need some larger scale pieces for the show – off (redundant) she goes and will write more later on.

oxoxoxoxo-

j

I found it!

Posted in Personal ramblings on May 20, 2009 by boychick1

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You know the one – it’s the bag or box of your stuff that gets left at your doorstep, mailed to you, tossed at you in an attempt to knock you out or smash in your skull killing you.  It’s your stuff, the stuff they had.  It’s the stuff you want back & sometimes bonus gifts, once a former girlfriend included this – I still don’t understand the subliminal message but I’m dense that way I choose to ignore you forever.  Another time my things were angrily tossed into an envelope much too large for them, my books (it’s always books) rattled around and one was lost in transit.  Another favorite was nearly consumed by her dog (a hard cover, first edition) cover chewed, chewed, chewed.  It had a lovely note attached “if_________ did this I will replace it”.   How?  HOW?! I wanted to ask – I never bothered.  Maybe her partner did it – well it was all a long time ago or at least it feels that way now.  Another fucking hideous mistake learning experience.

So this time I will have to say – everything came back, arrived right on time, neatly packaged and free of all damage.  My stuff was all there, it was all fine.  The physical stuff was fine but I was a mess.

My sense of humor for one was gone.  I had been given a sense of desperate, clinging desire for an explanation at least an explanation?!

Last one left me flat on my backside – depressed, sullen, humorless.  I fell very, very hard.  I guess a person should do that at least one every 46 years or so – the first person, in all probability that I really was beginning to slowly open up to and fell (at least a little bit) in love with.  Well I do still believe giving one’s heart is the best kind of mistake to make – and I am ready to do it all over again.  I think?

Sort of.

Miss her everyday but at least I don’t text, e-mail or try to make contact everyday anymore.  it’s just every other day A week or so ago I was so disgusted by myself and my inability to move on that I was going to post her naked photos on the internet – that I just told myself to stop.  Stop putting a time limit on the process – you’ll forget when you forget, you’ll move on when you move on and that will be fine.  I took off my watch (even literally or mostly so) and I have just been moving along.

And I realized she had not read a single e-mail message I had sent her…google mail is nice that way it tells you if someone read your message.  There they were “unread, unread, unread, unread, Unread, UNREAD”.  Did you see that you stupid bitch UNREAD. And that hurt a lot and so I called but of course no one picked up and I didn’t leave a message because I knew it would go “unheard”.

Sigh.  Unread.  Unheard.  Unforgiven.  Unloved.  Undone – you have come undone?  Nah not quite undone (clearly I never lost my drama – but I’m queer, it’s in the job description).

Then a really cute woman arrived to my classes.  A.  REALLY.  CUTE.  WOMAN.  Wow  – like gorgeous, gay and absolutely my type.  Whenever I talk to her she talks about “we have….” and “we do…” and I am NOT the “we”.  She has not said “we should go out, or we should live happily ever after, or we should have children”.  But it doesn’t matter.  What matters is I realize I would hand this woman my heart on a silver platter if she wanted it or at least I’d really like to get naked with her.

What matters is how my stomach turns a little, I get a little tingling feeling and I am sure she needs me to come over and give her more advice about her dog and to make a joke just to  see that dazzling, dazzling smile again.  I just want to see that smile.

The smile that reminds me I have found my sense of humor and the smile that reminds me I am going to be just fine.  I don’t have to become a Buddhist nun in Nova Scotia just yet.  Thank dog.