Change

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This is a piece I worked on yesterday — it’s another encaustic painting and consists of four 6 x 6 inch cradled birch wood panels.  It’s titled “At The Pond” but I may rename the piece “Change”.  I feel changes coming.  I received this message today “Fall in love with the possibilities ahead” – David Whyte.  I am so often reminded how generous the universe is in sending messages when we most need them.  When we listen we hear them, I am listening.

I have a new blog – it’s here. Please visit and let me know what you think — it’s an art blog for my art and writing.  While everything I do is always personal, it’s not a blog about my personal life.  It will just be personal.  I’m participating in a generosity meme right now so if you visit and comment your name will be tossed into the proverbial hat.  Five people will receive something I have made this year.  The details are on the new blog.

Transitions – I have spent so much time over the last several years working and focusing on personal things.  Coming out.  Getting authentic.  Being honest with myself and with those around me.  I’ve had relationship experiences I’d rather forget and dated some beautiful women who I will always be grateful to have had in my life.

I talk to my mother and we talk about my “romantic life” and she inquires with a sincere generosity and openmindedness.  Complete acceptance.  We talked about a person in her retirement community whose gender is confusing and how other residents make fun of him.  How they comment about “people like that” she told me “they are just ignorant because they don’t know someone who is gay”.  Change happens, people transform – not bad for 84.  I hope I remain so flexible when I am 84 and I ashamed of myself for wasting so much time thinking I’d never see the day.

My brother isn’t talking to me but changes may happen within us all.  Difficult times economically – middle aged transitions.  People struggle.

I cannot express how wonderful it feels to let go of all of the secrets in one’s life and just live authentically.  How.  Brilliant.  Life.  Becomes.  Blogging was an important part of getting there – having an online community.  Reading about your lives, the achievements and struggles.

I am still really struggling on a personal level.  This is about as bad as I have felt in years, haven’t wrestled with so much depression since my best friend died.  I cry often.  Begin to do something and then don’t have the energy to do it.  For instance I will drive myself to the gym but sometimes won’t have the energy to get out of the car.  This is not good but I will be fine.

And I don’t know if I am struggling with the loss of my last relationship or if I am just struggling with loss in general.  I feel intensely lonely on a personal level and right now I don’t see a “possibility to fall in love with”.   Falling in love, giving ourselves away to another is the best kind of mistake to make – not one to be regreted.  But right now it hurts.  The cumulative loss is what I am feeling, the frustration of living in a place I really don’t like, the recognition of how I have pushed people away/isolated myself has all become obvious.

It’s just plain hard.  I don’t want to put a smile on, I don’t want to write about it here — I don’t want to talk about it at all except with the one person who will not talk to me.  So writing about it here isn’t appropriate and it isn’t what I need.

What I need to do right now is to make things, to do the work to become an artist.  To get ready for my show — to finish up the projects around the house, to get after my business that I’ve been neglecting.  Painting and working in clay makes me happy — it’s keeping me going, it’s something that when I focus on simply rewards me with whatever efforts I make.  It simply makes sense.

I wish to live simply.  I feel changes coming — I am walking in the direction my life is calling me.  One step at a time.

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6 Responses to “Change”

  1. I love your work! The Pond really pulls at me. I grew up in the mid-west, on a farm and ponds and the changes they go through were a big part of my young life. I feel like I can almost see a figure swimming in the bottom left panel. I think your writing is honest and raw and makes space for other people to be more real, more authentic. Like me. Thanks!

  2. I love that you are so honest, with yourself as well as with us. That tells me that you will be just fine.

    Your work is amazing!

  3. Your life just seems so out of balance – so much joy with the creating art yet so much sorrow with the lost love. It’s too bad there is no miracle pill to bring us back into balance. One word, one step. Keep moving toward what you feel will center you. And know there’s a lot of folks here as your safety net.

  4. Change is hard. Breath through it, inhale it, embrace the unknown.

    Sometimes I immerse myself in my work to avoid something – like developing relationships, working on areas where I know I am fearful. I am going through this amazing creative phase right now, and I feel such a strong urge to work with it…even though I know it’s isolating me, even though I know that I probably need more balance. but the words, the words won’t stop, and I don’t want to interrupt them.

  5. hey J, your work is fanfuckingtastic. as louise hays always said, “do what you love and the money will follow”.
    believe it or not, even though you feel stagnent, you are processing things moment by moment, as you create, paint, work out– what ever your endeavers, you are always processing. you will come to have a moment of release and feel much of the hurt gone, just keep taking baby steps… as all steps eventually lead us to the top of the stairs.

    hugs,

    C

  6. please be compassionate with your self…

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