I found it!


You know the one – it’s the bag or box of your stuff that gets left at your doorstep, mailed to you, tossed at you in an attempt to knock you out or smash in your skull killing you.  It’s your stuff, the stuff they had.  It’s the stuff you want back & sometimes bonus gifts, once a former girlfriend included this – I still don’t understand the subliminal message but I’m dense that way I choose to ignore you forever.  Another time my things were angrily tossed into an envelope much too large for them, my books (it’s always books) rattled around and one was lost in transit.  Another favorite was nearly consumed by her dog (a hard cover, first edition) cover chewed, chewed, chewed.  It had a lovely note attached “if_________ did this I will replace it”.   How?  HOW?! I wanted to ask – I never bothered.  Maybe her partner did it – well it was all a long time ago or at least it feels that way now.  Another fucking hideous mistake learning experience.

So this time I will have to say – everything came back, arrived right on time, neatly packaged and free of all damage.  My stuff was all there, it was all fine.  The physical stuff was fine but I was a mess.

My sense of humor for one was gone.  I had been given a sense of desperate, clinging desire for an explanation at least an explanation?!

Last one left me flat on my backside – depressed, sullen, humorless.  I fell very, very hard.  I guess a person should do that at least one every 46 years or so – the first person, in all probability that I really was beginning to slowly open up to and fell (at least a little bit) in love with.  Well I do still believe giving one’s heart is the best kind of mistake to make – and I am ready to do it all over again.  I think?

Sort of.

Miss her everyday but at least I don’t text, e-mail or try to make contact everyday anymore.  it’s just every other day A week or so ago I was so disgusted by myself and my inability to move on that I was going to post her naked photos on the internet – that I just told myself to stop.  Stop putting a time limit on the process – you’ll forget when you forget, you’ll move on when you move on and that will be fine.  I took off my watch (even literally or mostly so) and I have just been moving along.

And I realized she had not read a single e-mail message I had sent her…google mail is nice that way it tells you if someone read your message.  There they were “unread, unread, unread, unread, Unread, UNREAD”.  Did you see that you stupid bitch UNREAD. And that hurt a lot and so I called but of course no one picked up and I didn’t leave a message because I knew it would go “unheard”.

Sigh.  Unread.  Unheard.  Unforgiven.  Unloved.  Undone – you have come undone?  Nah not quite undone (clearly I never lost my drama – but I’m queer, it’s in the job description).

Then a really cute woman arrived to my classes.  A.  REALLY.  CUTE.  WOMAN.  Wow  – like gorgeous, gay and absolutely my type.  Whenever I talk to her she talks about “we have….” and “we do…” and I am NOT the “we”.  She has not said “we should go out, or we should live happily ever after, or we should have children”.  But it doesn’t matter.  What matters is I realize I would hand this woman my heart on a silver platter if she wanted it or at least I’d really like to get naked with her.

What matters is how my stomach turns a little, I get a little tingling feeling and I am sure she needs me to come over and give her more advice about her dog and to make a joke just to  see that dazzling, dazzling smile again.  I just want to see that smile.

The smile that reminds me I have found my sense of humor and the smile that reminds me I am going to be just fine.  I don’t have to become a Buddhist nun in Nova Scotia just yet.  Thank dog.


9 Responses to “I found it!”

  1. Absolutely awesome, incredibly honest post. You are amazing & I can’t wait until someone comes into your life and tells you so every day. It will happen – most likely not with the “we” chick, but it will happen.

    • I do llike verbal affirmations (like to think I am good at them) and someday I would enjoy being involved with someone that is good at them. That hasn’t been the case for me so far. Well one was – it was his penis that was the problem in that relationship.

  2. the road to recovery …
    sounds like you are on your way!

  3. My heart’s been aching for you in this process…I’m glad that you’ve found even the slightest glimmer of hope. Greg is right on – it will happen for you. You so deserve it!

    slightly OT…how can you tell if a message you’ve sent to someone has been read or not in Gmail?

    • Anna to see if a message has been read – just check your sent box in the g-mail account. A message that has not been read will say “unread” next to it.

  4. Is this finding your sense of humor or refinding your lust? Personally, I don’t think you ever lost your amazing wit or your unique ability to share your journey.

    My advice – stay away from the “we” girl and stop giving women any of your stuff that you are going to want back. Remember Einstein’s defintion of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    • Both – humor and lust. I am thrilled when I see someone (we or not) that I am so attracted to as it is a sort of rare event for me. So I am now up to a half a dozen or so women in this area that do that for me. Maybe I won’t have to move next month. I just think it’s fun to find someone so darn cute!

      And re: my stuff. I’m generous, passionate about things I like and enjoy sharing them. I don’t want to change in that regard – I just need to find someone that is as keen as I am about my interests.

      And she returned all of my things in great shape – just left me rather tattered.

  5. Yep, I like when I feel that attraction too. Sometimes it scares me when it feels too strong, but I like to know that I do still feel it. Even if I don’t/can’t/shouldn’t/won’t/act on it. Sometimes I am a little jealous of single folk who can still act on it. But I suppose the grass is always greener . . .

  6. Sense of Humor = Life Saver. How very appropriate! Glad you are feeling it…

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