Bad Relationship

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I have a confession to make – I’m in a bad, bad relationship.  It’s with my blog – well not so much my art blog but with this one.  Our minds make linkages or at least mine does – I’ll relate a song, or a scent, or a place to other events.  A song will remind me of a pet, a certain meal will bring back memories of a special friend.  The scent of a hair product will remind me of a morning in bed with someone I love.

I’ve not been writing – I think in large part because many of the things I needed to work out through writing worked themselves out. And as I mentioned I have a bad relationship with this blog…I have linked it up with the end of my last relationship.  It was a bone of contention, not at first, not during but as the relationship came to an end.  Suddenly writing about the relationship was a problem.  People were reading and it felt like a loss of privacy.

There was a bit too much interest and jealousy about our relationship from outside parties – I see that now – I don’t know who invited that …I did not but they visited anonymously and freaked both of us out.

But the blog contributed to some crazy behavior (mostly on my part, some on hers) and heated discussions.  In any event I have linked all of this up in my mind.

This blog doesn’t feel like a friend to me, it feels like something that contributed to the end of something that really mattered to me.  I lost contact with someone I love, deeply and I am left with this?   It was hurtful to her, I was hurtful to her — that all bothers me.  I hate the damn blog.  I hate a lot of my behavior.

And so I don’t feel like writing, not here and I don’t know what will happen or if I will feel like returning to it.  Bad taste in my mouth – really just feel like hitting a delete key once and for all.

Bad relationship with writing here and not knowing what to do  – I am just sitting with the feelings, sharing them until what I need to do becomes clear to me.

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4 Responses to “Bad Relationship”

  1. I think that you pour a lot of yourself and your emotions into your creative efforts, and your focus is on the visual at the moment. There are always times when the words fall short, or flat, or they are waiting for the right moment to unfold.

    If you give yourself some time, you might see this space in a different light. And if you don’t, that’s okay too.

  2. I understand what you’re saying about the negative association, but I do hope you continue to write. If not here, somewhere else. Perhaps just selfish on my part, but I do think it is a healthy way to work out, sort through, get feedback on those emotional mazes we all find ourselves in.

  3. I’m happy you’re here. The rest is totally up to you but you are important to me and I am happy that you are here and you should never forget that.

  4. take a break. and when you are ready, reshape. reshape in whatever manner feels right to you.
    xoxo

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