Archive for the dating Category

…in the proverbial saddle again.

Posted in dating, Personal ramblings on April 30, 2009 by boychick1

marla_streb_nudeSo I googled images for “back in the sadde” and on page one there was a wee little thumbnail of someone, naked?! – on a bike.  Clicked it and wowsa this is what appeared.  Not exactly what I had in mind or rather exactly what I have on my mind nearly 24 hours a day.

Well since I am a cyclist, of a very amateur sort, it’s appropriate for me to use the photo. After all I don’t ride horses.  And I look just like her, well  minus the long hair, breasts and I’m um 100 years just a little bit older then she is.

Wow.  She’s in great shape what a hot a lovely level of healthy fitness she has achieved.

So I am back in the land of writing, smiling, winking and dating – O.F.A.D has notched up.  I changed my profiles a bit to better reflect who I am and what I am looking for.  Last night half a dozen winks and a couple of e-mails arrived.

This morning I got up and wrote back to all of them — I bit the bullet and paid to be able to e-mail,  as a woman I think is very attractive and not as far away as sunny England smiled at me.  I had been looking at her photos/profile for quite a while now.  She lives an hour away – is tall, blond hair, very white teeth/great smile, nice um she has a very healthy level of fitness and (a drum roll please) she is two years older than I am.

So collective good karma vibes and wishes of the internet — start casting out your charms and wish me success.

Asking the universe for what you want works – the trick I am learning as I get my heart ripped out, spat on and salted, more mature is to be *very specific*.

On a completely unrelated topic — I got a show!  So my art is going to hang at a local theatre for a fundraiser they are having.  Good publicity and the gallery where I currently have my work is teasing me and wants me to do a solo exhibition, invitation only kind of fancy thing.

Ohhh…maybe I’ll have a date, cause sooner or later the so smart, black Ann Klien suit has to come out of the closet again. (yes Greg I’ll post photos).

O.F.A.D.

Posted in dating, on line dating disasters., Personal ramblings on April 29, 2009 by boychick1

personal-adsSo O.F.A.D or Operation Find A Date has begun again full swing — ok not quite full swing.  More like half hearted and still texting the last fling swing.  But STILL O.F.A.D. begins again.  It should be a fun process and instead it’s not.

Online personals – they are up yet again.  The “delete key” on my computer is getting a lot of use – it’s there but it’s leaning to the right and looking very, very, tired.  STOP rubbing my button (oh sure go there, I’m not).

But seriously do you really think I’d travel to England?  And I don’t mean New England.  England as in the U.K?!  I’m flattered, really I am, but what if you don’t show up when I arrive for coffee?

I’m realizing some things in the midst of this lukewarm start — that I am attracted (most often, always, a great deal of the time) to 1. younger women 2. feminine women 3. women I am pursuing vs. being pursued.  Unless she is a really hot young woman running after me of course.

At first these realizations troubled me.  What is wrong with the 51 year old woman who is attractive, intelligent and well traveled?  She is after all the first person that has contacted you and 1. writes in complete sentences 2. can spell 3. reads  (and she still likes your big ass tattoo)

Well I have realized many things traveling through the world of where am I going next.  I realized that one reason I am having a hard time letting go of the last two relationships (and most especially the last one) is not only did I love her.  I loved all that she represented for me…all the hopes that I didn’t realize I had until they were revealed, only for a moment to me.  She was a beautiful lovely second chance and I wanted a second chance.

While I had not given up on the idea of a relationship – I had given up on marriage (in any sense) and children.  Simply thought those things will never happen for me.  And when you think something is not going to happen for you, you talk yourself out of it, kid yourself into thinking it’s not something you wanted anyway.

But I do.  But I do.  In meeting her, beginning to fall in love with her, in talking about futures and plans and children – – well I was revived, reminded, it was revealed to me that I would like all of those things.  A relationship, partnership and children.  I let myself dream.  I liked where my dreams went.

And then of course the plug was pulled – at least on that relationship.

As I look through my mailbox of messages in the land of on-line personals, I realized I still want Lindsey Lohan a future full of everything she gave me a glimpse of.

It is a dreary landscape at times, the land of O.F.A.D.  and I spend more than a few moments each day thinking that a convent in Greenland might be more fun — but I wonder will they let me look at porn?  What if they don’t have electricity or batteries?

In the meantime — the studio calls right after I give the hounds their morning run.

Stitchmarks

Posted in dating, Music, Uncategorized on April 12, 2009 by boychick1

Jane Siberry singing one of her very early songs “You Don’t Need” some of the lyrics are…

you don’t need anybody
you don’t need any comfort
you don’t need any lovers
you can get it from yourself
you don’t need anyone to want you
don’t want anyone to need you
and I think I have yourself
almost convinced
I have yourself almost convinced

Someone I dated sent this to me after we broke up – it was certainly a cruel gesture but people can be cruel when they are in a place of hurting and confusion.  And it honestly was also accurate, I was very good at hurting and confusing people.  Unavailable, inaccesible.

Serial.  Single.  Girl.

For most of my adult dating life I have been known as unapproachable, independent, not accessible, not needing anyone, not affectionate – don’t need anyone to love you, don’t want anyone to need you.

Serial.  Single.  Girl.  I’d even accepted these comments as accurate, a part of myself.  “I’m Gonna Break Your Heart”.

So when we met maybe I was a challenge as after all I am 1. serially single, and I certainly thought you were 2. too young for me.

None. Of. That. Really. Matters.

But I fell into what certainly felt like love – and I decided that I would be available, and reliable, generous, affectionate, communicative, available, consistent, honest.  I might even try to be vulnerable.  I would be things that in the past I had not been.  Listening to how a person’s past had hurt them I was committed to not being like that past.

And I was a much better version of myself – oh not perfect – at one point I walked away from it all and back to the person I once was.  Stealing off in the middle of the night.  But I came back, back to a better more loving and generous version of myself.

And. It.  All.  Really.  Felt.  So. Very. Good.

Poetry, music, laughter, touching, texting, talking, holding, music, laughter, poetry, eating, touching, laughing, chat.

And then it seemed just as abruptly it was over.  Everything I had done to other people over and over again – happened to me.

I wear you on my soul, like stitchmarks.

And I’m grateful for it all.  For loving, for still being in love – for feeling a hurt so exquisite I know I am healed.  I know I am healed.

So glad I didn’t break up with Melissa…

Posted in dating, Melissa Ferrick, Personal ramblings on September 17, 2008 by boychick1

So here’s what happened in the briefest of summaries – cause I am feeling sort of low about this and not blogging much. Cause I am (an old dog on a chain) a really hot 46 years young – she was a lot younger than I am …oh 12 or 13 years probably. M.F. and I have a lot in common. She was just coming out of a relationship and I knew better, knew better, knew better but instead just sat back to watch what happened. Lots of e-mail, and iChat and actually meetings and I let my heart and hopes go …weeeeeeeeeeee this is fun because I really liked her.

But she’d talk (of course she would) a bit too much about the ex. And I would absolutely expect someone to need to do that but darling not with me, especially if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with me, which you claim to be doing.

So circling back to the past once again – and all the pain she was in (and didn’t I understand that) I set some boundaries. Talk about her but not with me.

But she is in so much pain…and “I don’t know what it’s like…”.

Sigh. We have all experienced pain, loss, death, unrequited love, love that was requited and collapses – lives that are one moment everything we want and the next minute are a crumpled mess at our feet. We all have been there, it is what gives us compassion for others and the human experience.

And I am 46 and you are probably 33 — and you can be wise and intelligent and bright at 33 and I guess I was missing sensitive to others and not taking them on a ride with you. She was not ready and I dammit Janet you know better!

And I am so fucking glad I did not break things off with Melissa and it is ironic to me that her album is called “Goodbye Youth” and I adore her, and it and have all of my tickets for her Michigan shows. She’s whipping my ass at Scrabble…but disappeared for her tour.

I’ll write some more about the uber fantastic album Goodbye Youth later — for now I am off to get my hair cut, off to the art studio.

Thanks to each and every one of you that visits the blog, reads, comments and worries about me & wishes me well. Now would one of you beetches hook me up with Ferrick please…I just want to meet her, tell her she’s brilliant and have her sign an album.

Really, that’s it, it’s all I want. Then I’ll have everything I need – I swear. If she takes one look at me and thinks “wow” well that’s her problem but hey for the moment I’m available. Who am I kidding…I am always available, I’m the serial single girl and probably would not change for Ferrick either.

xo-
janet