Archive for the personal ramble Category

Say What You Mean

Posted in On Poetry, personal ramble on May 23, 2009 by boychick1

I saw this poem last night on my friend Patti Digh’s Blog – she has written a wonderful book titled “37 Days” and her blog is here.  I love the poem & I went to bed with the sense of peacefulness it filled me with.  So lovely.  To write about a human feeling so simply and yet with such eloquence.

I Confess

I stalked her
in the grocery store: her crown
of snowy braids held in place by a great silver clip,
her erect bearing, radiating tenderness,
watching
the way she placed yogurt and avocados in her  basket,
beaming peace like the North Star.
I wanted to ask, “What aisle did you find
your serenity in, do you know
how to be married for fifty years or how to live alone,
excuse me for interrupting, but you seem to possess
some knowledge that makes the earth turn and burn on its axis—“
But we don’t request such things from strangers
nowadays. So I said, “I love your hair.”

-Alison Luterman

If I said what I mean I would say…

thank you. i love you. forever grateful for every moment and memory. i hold onto the hope that someday we can sit and talk to one another again. but regardless  always.  love. always love.

Is there something you forgot to say? Want to say?  Need to say…maybe you should start with “I love your hair”…

Off to walk six dogs (help me, help me) two are staying for the weekend because I needed more and it’s easy money.  Then I am off for a gathering of queer women that get together for coffee, a much needed trip to the gym.  I am really enjoying this weekend of selfish agenda – and it’s even time to dust off the road bike and play Lance Armstrong.  Enjoy your weeeknd all.

Advertisements

Change

Posted in My Art, personal ramble on May 11, 2009 by boychick1

DSCN0199

This is a piece I worked on yesterday — it’s another encaustic painting and consists of four 6 x 6 inch cradled birch wood panels.  It’s titled “At The Pond” but I may rename the piece “Change”.  I feel changes coming.  I received this message today “Fall in love with the possibilities ahead” – David Whyte.  I am so often reminded how generous the universe is in sending messages when we most need them.  When we listen we hear them, I am listening.

I have a new blog – it’s here. Please visit and let me know what you think — it’s an art blog for my art and writing.  While everything I do is always personal, it’s not a blog about my personal life.  It will just be personal.  I’m participating in a generosity meme right now so if you visit and comment your name will be tossed into the proverbial hat.  Five people will receive something I have made this year.  The details are on the new blog.

Transitions – I have spent so much time over the last several years working and focusing on personal things.  Coming out.  Getting authentic.  Being honest with myself and with those around me.  I’ve had relationship experiences I’d rather forget and dated some beautiful women who I will always be grateful to have had in my life.

I talk to my mother and we talk about my “romantic life” and she inquires with a sincere generosity and openmindedness.  Complete acceptance.  We talked about a person in her retirement community whose gender is confusing and how other residents make fun of him.  How they comment about “people like that” she told me “they are just ignorant because they don’t know someone who is gay”.  Change happens, people transform – not bad for 84.  I hope I remain so flexible when I am 84 and I ashamed of myself for wasting so much time thinking I’d never see the day.

My brother isn’t talking to me but changes may happen within us all.  Difficult times economically – middle aged transitions.  People struggle.

I cannot express how wonderful it feels to let go of all of the secrets in one’s life and just live authentically.  How.  Brilliant.  Life.  Becomes.  Blogging was an important part of getting there – having an online community.  Reading about your lives, the achievements and struggles.

I am still really struggling on a personal level.  This is about as bad as I have felt in years, haven’t wrestled with so much depression since my best friend died.  I cry often.  Begin to do something and then don’t have the energy to do it.  For instance I will drive myself to the gym but sometimes won’t have the energy to get out of the car.  This is not good but I will be fine.

And I don’t know if I am struggling with the loss of my last relationship or if I am just struggling with loss in general.  I feel intensely lonely on a personal level and right now I don’t see a “possibility to fall in love with”.   Falling in love, giving ourselves away to another is the best kind of mistake to make – not one to be regreted.  But right now it hurts.  The cumulative loss is what I am feeling, the frustration of living in a place I really don’t like, the recognition of how I have pushed people away/isolated myself has all become obvious.

It’s just plain hard.  I don’t want to put a smile on, I don’t want to write about it here — I don’t want to talk about it at all except with the one person who will not talk to me.  So writing about it here isn’t appropriate and it isn’t what I need.

What I need to do right now is to make things, to do the work to become an artist.  To get ready for my show — to finish up the projects around the house, to get after my business that I’ve been neglecting.  Painting and working in clay makes me happy — it’s keeping me going, it’s something that when I focus on simply rewards me with whatever efforts I make.  It simply makes sense.

I wish to live simply.  I feel changes coming — I am walking in the direction my life is calling me.  One step at a time.

Weekend

Posted in personal ramble on May 8, 2009 by boychick1

MyPicture_2Painting.  Going to go to the gym.  AND seeing Susan Werner (in East Lansing) and Trina Hamlin (At the Ark/Ann Arbor) this weekend — what a great, great weekend of music!  Weeeee…………….

Fiddleheads!

Posted in personal ramble on May 4, 2009 by boychick1

fiddleheads-lisa-frank

I love this time of year — everything is so deliciously green.  It’s almost overwhelming life surging forth after a long winter’s rest.  My favorite thing in the garden are the fiddleheads poking up their long necks.  The foundation of my house and some of the surrounding beds are full of ostrich ferns.  They were a gift from a friend who died many years ago.

The fiddleheads remind me of  faith, regrowth, beginnings – for there is no such thing as loss, nothing ever really departs.  We carry our experiences in our hearts and minds, in a new form.  Transformed.

For. Ever.  Green.  My love for you – I see your life continues.  Life continues.  Beautiful green life.

Scrape it all off, start over.

Posted in My Art, personal ramble with tags on May 3, 2009 by boychick1

Art so often mimics life.  It’s a representation of all we see, feel, experience.  We have all of these visions and  begin the process of moving towards this idea, making it materialize in our lives.  Sometimes the results are not anything like our vision – at times what we achieve is much better than anything we imagined.

Or sometimes we just end up with a mess.  Yesterday I ended up with a mess – nothing like I imagined but rather more like everything you fear…an ugly, ugly failure.  Not a Picasso, not what you imagined did I sign up for this?

So you scrape it off.  Encaustic painting is painting with wax – colored waxes or working with wax mediums and collage, oil paint, pigment sticks.  So I looked at the sum of my failures…took a deep breath.  Scraped it all off, threw the detritus away.

I realized again how much art mimics life and how both give you yet another chance to start all over again – leaner, lighter, smarter.  You keep your vision, you take a deep breath and you begin all over again.

What have you taken a hard look at, scraped, edited, peeled away — in moving to a more genuine, honest and authentic life?  What isn’t serving you.

Art Is Like Love.

Posted in personal ramble on May 1, 2009 by boychick1

dscn0188I realized this morning while immersed in the land of encaustic painting that it is the process that matters.  When we focus too much on the outcome we lose the joy in the process.  The layers, the richness, our journey.

And too that…

Art is like love you can’t control it, only be present for where it goes.

The Weekend Is HERE!

Posted in on music, personal ramble on April 24, 2009 by boychick1

The weekend in HERE (or just about) actually my Fridays are easy days of the week for me – the only day I am not teaching so I really look forward to them.

So I had a dream last night, which is unusual for me as I generally don’t have dreams – more like slide shows.  But a dream with a plot and everything.  Apparently it was decided that I would be President of the United States.  I protested this decision quite loudly with all the reasons why I could not be President – no, no, nO.  Then someone told me that if I was willing to be President that I would receive a clothing allowance and I’d be able to wear Jil Sander’s clothing every day.  I could have all the Jil Sander I wanted.   Suddenly that made the job very appealing and I decided I’d take it.

Does this make me shallow?  (I really don’t care apparently as long as I am wearing Jil Sander)

Michigan is going to reach 80 degrees today  — so that means *finally* my favorite outfit can make an appearance.  501 jeans, an American Apparel Classic Girl t-shirt and my Keen flip flops.  I am happy, happy, happy my wardrobe consisting of three articles of clothing.  YEAH!  If it can remain that way until October with only tiny variations (like shorts) I’ll be delighted.

Hmmm…not quite Jil Sanders.

Tomorrow night I am headed to The Ark for a great night of music.  Girlyman is playing and Meg Hutchinson is opening up for them.

I plan to do yard work, paint and hit the gym this weekend (between stints working) what are your plans?!  Are you taking some time for youself with your one precious life – what is going to put a smile on your face?